Alucard strode down the hall. He was practically giddy; it had been a very good night. He could still taste the blood of the vampire he had killed, and his fingers twitched as he recalled the feeling of shooting the heads off of an entire town full of ghouls. Ah, how he loved the exterminations!
I was late, about 10:00 in the morning, and he headed down the damp, cold dungeon corridor to his chambers, where he would have a nice, well-deserved rest in his coffin until nightfall.
Seras skipped past, a bowl of popcorn in her arms. She hummed happily as she skipped into her room. She didn’t seem likely to be going to bed. Stupid Police Girl. What was she going to be doing all day? Whatever it was, Alucard was sure it’d keep him up the entire time, as did all of the draculina’s strange, human-like antics. He ought to check on what she was doing.
Alucard didn’t bother to go to her door, he just phased through the wall. He found Seras busily loading a disc into the DVD player.
“Police Girl…”
She squealed and jumped up, startled. “AAH! Master?”
Alucard looked at the bowl of popcorn, which was now sitting onto Seras’s table.
“You aren’t planning on eating that, are you?” he asked.
“Of course I’m gonna eat it!” she said, grabbing it.
Alucard reached for the bowl and she recoiled. Alucard read her thoughts. “I’m not going to ruin it, Police Girl,” he sighed.
He took one piece of popcorn from the bowl. He sniffed at it for a moment. Seras watched, her eyes wide. She was obviously afraid that he’d decide to destroy the popcorn. Alucard licked the popcorn piece. It was salty. That was alright. Humans taste salty. He put it in his mouth. It didn’t taste like much really. But it stuck in between his fangs.
Seras watched worriedly as Alucard struggled for three long minutes to get it out. It wouldn’t budge.
Finally, in frustration, Alucard pulled out his Jackal and shot his own jaw off.
Seras shrieked.
Alucard’s jaw reformed, the popcorn no longer stuck in between his teeth.
“Disgusting stuff,” he told Seras, whose eyes were wide with worry.
Seras sighed in relief and plopped down on her bed.
Alucard picked up an object that was sitting next to her, a stick with buttons.
“What is this? He asked, examining it.
“A remote. I need it” She replied, hold out her hand for him to give it back to her.
“What does it do?”
“You use it to tell the DVD player what to do! Now give it here!”
Alucard raised an eyebrow. She was speaking to him, the No Life King, with impatience? Usually she'd be too terrified of retribution to do that. Hm... he let it slide this time.
Alucard looked at all of the buttons on the device. There had to be at least thirty of them. Why did humans feel the need to make everything so complicated?
Alucard pointed the end of the remote towards the box he guessed to be the DVD player, and began pressing the buttons.
“Master!”
He moved his fingers faster than the human eye could see, and pressed all of the buttons almost simultaneously.
When he finished, the light on the DVD player began blinking wildly. Suddenly, the disc shot out of the DVD slot with such a high velocity that it flew across the room and shattered against the wall.
Alucard stared at the broken pieces.
“Was that supposed to happen?” he asked Seras.
“No! It wasn’t!” she shouted. “You just ruined my movie night!” She pouted. “That was the last copy of “Twilight” they had at the movie store!”
“Movie night? It’s day.” Alucard asked. “What are you doing? You need to be asleep.”
“SIR INTEGRAAAAAA!” Seras wailed. She ran past Alucard to Integra, who was standing in the doorway.
“Sir Integra, He ruined the movie!” Seras cried, pointing her finger at Alucard accusingly. “Now we can’t have the movie night we planned!”
Integra sighed. “Alucard, under normal circumstances I’d confine you to your chambers for a month, but this time, you’re off the hook.” Her face brightened, she had a girlish grin on her face. “Because I already bought a copy for myself, so we can still go through with our plans!”
Seras squealed happily. “You did? Yaaaaay!”
Alucard stared as the two women obsessed over this… this… Twilight. This was definitely something Seras would do, but Integra too? What was going on?”
Integra put the movie into the DVD player, and sat on the bed with Seras.
“Twilight?” Alucard asked.
“Yeah,” said Integra. “It’s a vampire movie.”
Vampires. Hmm. That meant blood. Blood is always good. Maybe he’d enjoy this movie.
Alucard sat in one of the chairs by the table. He poured the contents of one of the blood packs into a wine glass. It wasn’t like Seras was going to be drinking it, anyway.
As the movie started, Alucard became a bit more skeptical. It didn’t seem like a vampire film… but then again, it was only the beginning. The vampires would doubtlessly come later on.
As a male character with pale skin and yellow eyes appeared on screen, both Integra and Seras simultaneously squealed: “Edwaaaaard!”
Alucard stared at the women. What had gotten into them? Integra was acting appallingly girlish, and Seras was, well, being Seras even more than usual.
This “Edward” seemed to be the vampire. All the clues pointed to it. But… he didn’t look very… vampirish. In fact, he didn’t really look like much of anything. According to the movie, all vampires are supposed to be gorgeous, which was nonsense in itself, but this Edward wasn’t even that good-looking! But… appearances could be deceiving… Alucard sighed and waited for the bloodbath.
As the movie progressed, Alucard couldn’t help but laugh. “Vegetarian” vampires? What nonsense! Alucard scoffed, but then realized that his own fledgling was far too close to these sissy vampires. He’s have to push her harder.
As Edward and Bella walked into a clearing, Alucard poured himself another glass of blood. He has the glass to his lips when Edward began to sparkle. Alucard choked and sprayed blood on the floor as he burst out laughing. Both Seras and Integra shot him dirty looks.
Now, James was a vampire that Alucard could really get to like. He was one of the first characters with any personality to speak of. But, centuries of literary experience told Alucard that he wasn’t likely to last long. The “villains” in all the stories never do. Especially in romance stories. If Twilight could even be called a romance. Monster that he was, even Alucard knew the difference between “love” and “lust”. This Bella lusted after Edward’s body, and Edward lusted after her blood. There was not a single point at which they ever seemed to love each other in any non-physical way.
By the end of the movie all three of them were in tears. Seras and Integra were practically bawling.
“That was soooo sweet!” they chorused. Alucard, on the other hand, was laughing so hard that he was crying.
“Alucard!” Integra shouted. “Stop laughing! It wasn’t funny!”
“But, Master,” he replied. “That was so stupid!” He was grinning from ear to ear.
“Master, no it’s not!” Seras cried. “It’s such a good story!” she whined.
“That Edward… he SPARKLED.” Alucard laughed. Seras’s and Integra’s thoughts flashed through his mind. Alucard’s eyes opened wide.
“Wait a minute” he laughed. “You think that’s SEXY?”
Alucard was practically rolling on the floor laughing at this point.
“ALUCARD, SHUT UP!” Integra screamed. She pulled out a pistol loaded with silver bullets and began firing at him. She hit his heart, his head, and shot off one of his arms.
Alucard continued laughing as he leapt onto the ceiling and began to phase through it. As he left, his blood, brain matter, and severed arm followed him up to the next floor.
“DAMN IT ALUCARD!” Integra screamed. “YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!”
After a few moments of empty silence, Seras began to cry. “S-sir Integra… he called Edward stupid.”
Integra comforted her with a hug. “I know… I’m sorry. Don’t worry. I’ll punish him mercilessly. We will defend Twilight’s honor!”
“Al-alright…” Seras sniffled.
THE END
