shadowman20875 wrote:Ellis, what forum are you getting this from?
is SeCreT o.O
and im not telling cause this is my only chance to shine
Today's Joke
is SeCreT o.O
and im not telling cause this is my only chance to shine
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Blackchocob0
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Life On The Farm...
A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he has does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pig, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" and "Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week."
"I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either."
"I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he has does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pig, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" and "Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week."
"I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either."
"I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
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papa59roach
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StealMySoda
- Ex-Staff
- Posts: 5245
- Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2006 2:37 pm
- Quick Reply: Yes
- Location: Off Topic
- Contact:
EllisD wrote:Life On The Farm...
A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he has does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pig, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" and "Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week."
"I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either."
"I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Considering how dirty my mind is I'm surprised at how long it took me to get that
Ooh, I got a sexy ex-staff title!
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MastaChiefX
- Senior Member
- Posts: 4526
- Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2006 1:18 am
- Quick Reply: Yes
- Location: Life.
StealMySoda wrote:EllisD wrote:Life On The Farm...
A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he has does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pig, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" and "Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week."
"I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either."
"I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Considering how dirty my mind is I'm surprised at how long it took me to get that
Same here. I had to actually think for a second.
Was like , wow lol.
^Thanks 0l3n!
Gone. Never really gone, but never really here.
"If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music"
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papa59roach
- Active Member
- Posts: 649
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- Location: Athens
MastaChiefX wrote:StealMySoda wrote:EllisD wrote:Life On The Farm...
A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he has does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pig, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" and "Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week."
"I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either."
"I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Considering how dirty my mind is I'm surprised at how long it took me to get that
Same here. I had to actually think for a second.
Was like , wow lol.
Wait a second, does this have something to do with cats nicknames being pussycat
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Ashikiheyun
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x_CodeZero_x
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woutR
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- Contact:
An Egyptian, an Italian and Frenchman are debating about how great their country was.
The Frenchman says: When we built the Eiffel Tower in 1887 we already had phone lines in it!
Then the Italian says: Ha! That's nothing! When doing research on the Tower of Pisa we found phone lines, that proves we have had phones for over 800 years !
Then the Egyptian says: Well, when we did research on the pyramids we found absolutely nothing!
French & Italian: so....?
Egyptian: It proves we've been wireless for over 3000 years !
----------------------------------------------------
A mailman goes on his last round in the neighborhood. Everyone gives him something when he comes to their house for the last time.
Then, when he reaches his very last house a damn hawt nekkid blond girl opens the door and pulls him in to the bed room. The mailman has the best sex he has ever had and when they're done the girl invites him for breakfast.
When they're having breakfast the girl says:"Hey, take a look under your plate!"
The mailman looks what's under his plate and finds a dollar. He asks what's it about.
The girl says:" When I asked my husband this morning what to give to mailman for his last round he said: screw the mailman, give him a dollar! But the breakfast was my idea!"
The Frenchman says: When we built the Eiffel Tower in 1887 we already had phone lines in it!
Then the Italian says: Ha! That's nothing! When doing research on the Tower of Pisa we found phone lines, that proves we have had phones for over 800 years !
Then the Egyptian says: Well, when we did research on the pyramids we found absolutely nothing!
French & Italian: so....?
Egyptian: It proves we've been wireless for over 3000 years !
----------------------------------------------------
A mailman goes on his last round in the neighborhood. Everyone gives him something when he comes to their house for the last time.
Then, when he reaches his very last house a damn hawt nekkid blond girl opens the door and pulls him in to the bed room. The mailman has the best sex he has ever had and when they're done the girl invites him for breakfast.
When they're having breakfast the girl says:"Hey, take a look under your plate!"
The mailman looks what's under his plate and finds a dollar. He asks what's it about.
The girl says:" When I asked my husband this morning what to give to mailman for his last round he said: screw the mailman, give him a dollar! But the breakfast was my idea!"
<<
>>-
Snudge
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- Joined: Sun Jun 11, 2006 8:20 pm
- Quick Reply: Yes
- Location: Artist Corner
- Contact:
Hints on when you can tell it is going to be:
A R O T T E N D A Y
- You wake up face down on the pavement
- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
- You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
- You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
- You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party
but find there aren't any
- Your twin brother forgot your birthday
- You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
from the city
- Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway
- You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung a leak and
then realize you don't have a waterbed
- Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture
- You call your answering service and you're told to mind
your own business
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife
- Your tax refund cheque bounces
- You put both contact lenses in the same eye
- Your pet rock snaps at you
- Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is George
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment, ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For our american friends:
I am Tired.
Yes, I'm tired. For a couple years I`ve been blaming it on iron, poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.
But now I found out, it ain't that.
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the government. This leaves 19 millon to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and Me.
And you're sitting there reading this.
No wonder I'm tired.
A R O T T E N D A Y
- You wake up face down on the pavement
- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
- You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
- You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
- You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party
but find there aren't any
- Your twin brother forgot your birthday
- You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
from the city
- Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway
- You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung a leak and
then realize you don't have a waterbed
- Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture
- You call your answering service and you're told to mind
your own business
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife
- Your tax refund cheque bounces
- You put both contact lenses in the same eye
- Your pet rock snaps at you
- Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is George
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment, ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For our american friends:
I am Tired.
Yes, I'm tired. For a couple years I`ve been blaming it on iron, poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.
But now I found out, it ain't that.
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the government. This leaves 19 millon to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and Me.
And you're sitting there reading this.
No wonder I'm tired.
<<banned from SRF for proof of botting. -SG>>
Snudge wrote:For our american friends:
I am Tired.
Yes, I'm tired. For a couple years I`ve been blaming it on iron, poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.
But now I found out, it ain't that.
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the government. This leaves 19 millon to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and Me.
And you're sitting there reading this.
No wonder I'm tired.
You forgot to mention George Bush. He's too special to belong in the government category. So that leaves you just doing all the work. Poor snudge.
Snail one was funny, haha.
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real
jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to
know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells
him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade,
questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather
explicit terms. The officer takes it all in stride.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with
writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his
signature.
The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented
his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The
officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys
face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an
Asshole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record
that he is about to lose his license, and has hired an attorney to
represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the
red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is
this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants' copy, his
signature, and mine, same number at the top."
Attorney: "Officer , is there any particular marking or notation on this
citation that you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an
"AH", underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"
Attorney: "Aggressive and Hostile"?
Officer: "Yes Sir."
Attorney: "Officer... Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do."
jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to
know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells
him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade,
questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather
explicit terms. The officer takes it all in stride.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with
writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his
signature.
The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented
his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The
officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys
face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an
Asshole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record
that he is about to lose his license, and has hired an attorney to
represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the
red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is
this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants' copy, his
signature, and mine, same number at the top."
Attorney: "Officer , is there any particular marking or notation on this
citation that you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an
"AH", underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"
Attorney: "Aggressive and Hostile"?
Officer: "Yes Sir."
Attorney: "Officer... Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do."
WTF Do All Those Stats Mean??? <--- CLICK ME NOW!
Crumpets wrote:Eliis for mod.
*sigh* maybe one day
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant.
"I am now officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says,
"Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?
WTF Do All Those Stats Mean??? <--- CLICK ME NOW!
Post yer Jokes people!
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
WTF Do All Those Stats Mean??? <--- CLICK ME NOW!
-
Snudge
- Senior Member
- Posts: 4200
- Joined: Sun Jun 11, 2006 8:20 pm
- Quick Reply: Yes
- Location: Artist Corner
- Contact:
Ten Things to Say to the Girlfriend's Parents
The First Time You Meet Them
1) My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
2) Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3) Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
4) Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market
won't cash my welfare check!
5) We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now,
my wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6) Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
7) Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8 ) Nice place you got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a
nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
9) There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your
HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
10) Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that
cop car will stay lost...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A long one, but funny nevertheless
Hotel Soap
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy,
Relief Maid
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new Check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet -
18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser -
11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser -
1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and
8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet -
14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish -
6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of tub -
1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of tub -
6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ouch. >_<
Caught with his pants down
"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."
Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.
After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously.' and left me there.
People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over $3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."
The First Time You Meet Them
1) My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
2) Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3) Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
4) Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market
won't cash my welfare check!
5) We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now,
my wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6) Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
7) Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8 ) Nice place you got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a
nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
9) There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your
HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
10) Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that
cop car will stay lost...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A long one, but funny nevertheless
Hotel Soap
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy,
Relief Maid
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new Check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet -
18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser -
11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser -
1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and
8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet -
14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish -
6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of tub -
1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of tub -
6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ouch. >_<
Caught with his pants down
"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."
Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.
After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously.' and left me there.
People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over $3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."
<<banned from SRF for proof of botting. -SG>>
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LadyOphelia
- Active Member
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- Senior Member
- Posts: 4526
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- Addicted Member
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- Contact:
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,
'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
-----------------------------------
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
------------------------------
Tom & Mal went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume,moved into their tent and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, Tom said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Mal shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
Tom says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
------------------------------------
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"
-----------------------------------
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what're you in for?”
“I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,” said Tim.
“Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”
“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?”
“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.
“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!”
-----------------------------
What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.
-----------------------------
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,
'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
-----------------------------------
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
------------------------------
Tom & Mal went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume,moved into their tent and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, Tom said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Mal shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
Tom says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
------------------------------------
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"
-----------------------------------
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what're you in for?”
“I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,” said Tim.
“Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”
“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?”
“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.
“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!”
-----------------------------
What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.
-----------------------------
XemnasXD wrote:also im not going to stop calling him a cosmic douche, anyone that knows everything about everything, then creates you knowing full you won't end up following the rules he's made up for you, then punishes you for all eternity for it....come on...thats just being a d*ck.
Little johny
One day little johny passed by his mom's bed room and saw her touching her pee pee place and saying i neeed a man why did i get divorced i need a man.
this continued for about a month everyother day when johny came from school he heard his mom saying i need a man i need a man and touching her pee pee place.
Until one day he came from school passed hi's moms bedroom and found a man ontop of her she said i got a man!
So little johny went into his room got on his bed took off his pant's and started touching his wang and said" i need a new bike i need a new bike!!"
XD i find htis funny XD
One day little johny passed by his mom's bed room and saw her touching her pee pee place and saying i neeed a man why did i get divorced i need a man.
this continued for about a month everyother day when johny came from school he heard his mom saying i need a man i need a man and touching her pee pee place.
Until one day he came from school passed hi's moms bedroom and found a man ontop of her she said i got a man!
So little johny went into his room got on his bed took off his pant's and started touching his wang and said" i need a new bike i need a new bike!!"
XD i find htis funny XD
<<banned from SRF for remaking a banned account. -SG>>