Vasectomy =)

nadare32 · Post by **nadare32** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 2:09 am

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html

Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batsh*t insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batsh*t insane again. H*ll, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a sl*t. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of sh*t. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullsh*t, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

Reise · Post by **Reise** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 2:13 am

Hah!

Nuklear · Post by **Nuklear** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 2:26 am

Read it a couple days ago, guess I should've posted it.

Very funny.

francomade · Post by **francomade** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 8:26 am

Haha!

takolin · Post by **takolin** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 8:38 am

I lol'ed.

But I ain't getting one.

timtam · Post by **timtam** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 9:51 am

pwnt.

Key-J · Post by **Key-J** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 11:31 am

Hahahah very nice..

Women always think they can manipulate us... Well some women do :wink:

It just goes to show, men have the upper hand :twisted:

ciddy · Post by **ciddy** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 4:47 pm

lol she got served with desserts :roll:

Anh_Hung_Rom · Post by **Anh_Hung_Rom** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 4:54 pm

I still think it's cruel that anyone would go to such great length just to 'trap' the person you once loved. Could have just say 'it can't be mine, you're cheating and I'm walking'.

Nuklear · Post by **Nuklear** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 5:26 pm

Anh_Hung_Rom wrote:I still think it's cruel that anyone would go to such great length just to 'trap' the person you once loved. Could have just say 'it can't be mine, you're cheating and I'm walking'.

Ya, but it's not funny that way.

Stallowned · Post by **Stallowned** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 5:48 pm

Anh_Hung_Rom wrote:I still think it's cruel that anyone would go to such great length just to 'trap' the person you once loved. Could have just say 'it can't be mine, you're cheating and I'm walking'.

But then what proof do you have?
Then the tables are turned, and we all know the usual outcome of these situations.

nadare32 · Post by **nadare32** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 5:53 pm

Anh_Hung_Rom wrote:I still think it's cruel that anyone would go to such great length just to 'trap' the person you once loved. Could have just say 'it can't be mine, you're cheating and I'm walking'.

I think you'd be angry to the point of doing this. She betrayed his trust by getting pregnant and in addition, trying to pass it off as his baby which he knew was impossible. So yea I dont think he simply could have said goodbye.

Perfect Angel · Post by **Perfect Angel** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 6:51 pm

I seriously just ROLFed in real life....
LMFAO OMFG BBQ LMFFFAO!!!!
Serves her right...

Z3r0 · Post by **Z3r0** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 7:12 pm

roflcopter nice one

apsdx6 · Post by **apsdx6** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 7:43 pm

she got owned

Anh_Hung_Rom · Post by **Anh_Hung_Rom** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 8:03 pm

nadare32 wrote:
Anh_Hung_Rom wrote:I still think it's cruel that anyone would go to such great length just to 'trap' the person you once loved. Could have just say 'it can't be mine, you're cheating and I'm walking'.

I think you'd be angry to the point of doing this. She betrayed his trust by getting pregnant and in addition, trying to pass it off as his baby which he knew was impossible. So yea I dont think he simply could have said goodbye.

First thing is he was looking for a casual relationship, which means 'I want the milk but I ain't buying the whole cow'. So she sleeps around, it's not like she's his wife.

Second thing is he loved her once. Doesn't matter what she does, they shared something together.

Just what I wouldn't do if I'm in the position.

@stall: I know what you mean, some girls play this game.

Pan_Raider(`_´) · Post by **Pan_Raider(`_´)** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 8:48 pm

Shes an owned B1tch now :twisted:

Stallowned · Post by **Stallowned** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 10:23 pm

It's weird how the girls (or at least people I think are girls) that read this on this and other forums I've been on are on the guy's side, but in real life this is the kind of shit 95% of girls try to pull...
Internet is so weird

0l3n · Post by **0l3n** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 10:35 pm

OMG... I... CANT... STOP.. LAUGHINg...

PsYch008 · Post by **PsYch008** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 10:56 pm

Stallowned wrote:It's weird how the girls (or at least people I think are girls) that read this on this and other forums I've been on are on the guy's side, but in real life this is the kind of shit 95% of girls try to pull...
Internet is so weird

omg +777

this post is awesome vasectomy ftw. im gettin one for sure. no ..... kids for me. ..... that shit.

i play silk road · Post by **i play silk road** » Fri Feb 23, 2007 11:59 pm

id rather adopt a chiild who's 7+ thAN RAISE ONE OF MY OWn

EDIT:sorry for caps :shock:

nadare32 · Post by **nadare32** » Sat Feb 24, 2007 1:20 am

i play silk road wrote:id rather adopt a chiild who's 7+ thAN RAISE ONE OF MY OWn

EDIT:sorry for caps

that reminds me, i heard brad and angie are adopting another kid? this time a vietnamese boy.... am i right zypher? good for you iplaysilkroad, thats a noble thing to do.

ciddy · Post by **ciddy** » Sat Feb 24, 2007 7:47 pm

PsYch008 wrote:
Stallowned wrote:It's weird how the girls (or at least people I think are girls) that read this on this and other forums I've been on are on the guy's side, but in real life this is the kind of shit 95% of girls try to pull...
Internet is so weird

omg +777

this post is awesome vasectomy ftw. im gettin one for sure. no ..... kids for me. ..... that shit.

yea...like on sro some people act like girls but they are actually guys and girls well can be both so confusing sometimes

like kitty i thought it was a she, when i first talk to "her" it was a he

people act differently on the internet