Alright...I don't care if you guys believe me ... it's real. This is the the most embarassing thing that I've ever experienced... it was a horrible night for me.. and I'm sharing it with you guys because I don't want any of my misc brahs to have to go through this.. especially since it all could have been EASILY prevented. I have added MS paint images so that you have a better idea as to what happened. It's very long, but I'll do my best to recount all of the important details. no ****ing cliffs..... read it to save yourself from something like this...
Anyway... I got a girls number during my last class of the semester prior to finals last tuesday. It's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying, and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long perhaps). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well she said yes, and we met at a campus cafe. We had some small talk, and it went well overall. After that she said "hey my roomate is making some chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is over, would you like to come by and try some? she usually makes way more than needed". Now at that point I felt like I had to take a sh!t, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.
Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw)... and f*ck... I had to take take a sh!t really badly... and I also had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottles with me)... I really didn't want to use her washroom because I didn't want stink the place up... but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum.. to make matters worse I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why.. but that's what happened). So I rushed to the washroom... and thus begins the worst possible scenario imagineable.
I pull down my pants step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the **** do I do? Which do I do first??
So I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the can... but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine.. I feel my turd start to come out at the same time!
So then I'm like "..... this... I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"... so I sit on the can... grasp my penis hard to try and "block" it... and I then tried to let the crap come out....that didn't work so well...
As I relaxed my anal sphincters... my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor... I started panicking at this point... so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in... I tried take the piss and crap at the same time, but my ass was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor.
I then closed everything off again (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have go so badly)... wtf was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head:
I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there... I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting sh!t on her floor....
At that point things get even worse...
The turd wouldn't ****ing dissolve... and the damn bish was asking me wtf I'm doing showering in her washroom....
I then answer "yea lol... I'm showering... is that ok?"...
she says: what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you???
At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol
she then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke... get out of there!!
I say: no please don't come in... I'm not done yet...
At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing sh!t smelling vapours all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid... the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so ****ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???"
I say: please don't come in... trust me.. you'll regret it...
she says: **** this... get out now or I'm unlocking the door..
I beg her not too... but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can... I was so ****ing embarassed... I started shivering... she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers... "wtf did you do???"...she was starting to cry... I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best ... I... I'm sorry"... She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.
She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper... pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odour. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor... I'm literally crying at that point... I look for the plunger but I couldn't find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet...I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf... she's crying... as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now... I try to explain that the toilet is clogged... but she doesn't let me ... she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now... she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave... I leave.
about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the washroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment.
All of this could have ****ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! She FINALLY showed interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub???? This is ****ing retarded (yes mad).
to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well **** that... not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one....
This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle... I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster... no mess.... and none of this would have happened.
anyway... should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself? or should i just hope I never run into her again?
It sucks for you, but I laughed so hard! Thanks for that, needed it
Okay but I think you should explain it to her. If she's not willing to talk to you give her a letter (probably without the pics). If she doesn't read it, then **** it, you did your best. However I don't think you'll ever get together
If (and that’s a BIG BIG IF) this is real. You need to get psychological help. Piss bottles arent the problem. You should have just unloaded in a public restroom. As unclean as they are, I get the feeling you made her restroom even less clean. Allowing yourself o be controlled by fear to the point that you flood a hot chick and her roomates bathroom with your shitpiss should be a big fat Farking red flag.
Also, if you were holding your piss so long you got an uncontrolable erection, then you should be more concerned with kidney stones than the bacteria in a pulic restroom.
Also, advice on the situation, never speak to her again. I cant foresee you talking to her and getting with her and laffing about it 10 years down the road. You shot that when she saw the shit particles on your asshole and the giant turd in her shower (that and the sprinkling of ass matter you left on her floor and toilet. As a matter of fact, if she DOESN’T murder you out of sheer embaracement, I will be amazed.
im embarrassed for you and disappointed with you at the same time, and i dont even know you.
If you have a problem with taking #2 in a public bathroom just lay some toilet paper on the toilet or hang above the toilet (good for you leg muscles )
CrimsonNuker wrote:This has got to be the funniest shit I have ever read on SRF. I laughed to the point where my head actually started to hurt, well done.
@Cell, its actually pretty common for people not wanting to take a #2 in public washrooms, my friend also thinks the same way lols
thats fine, but if it leads to something of this nature, its a serious problem...
I dont like taking a shit in a public toilet either but dude
that just
I dont even know what to say
there are ways to avoid this! you should have just taken the shit lol
I know the situation its hard taking a shit with a stiffy but you just gotta bend that bitch
XemnasXD wrote:also im not going to stop calling him a cosmic douche, anyone that knows everything about everything, then creates you knowing full you won't end up following the rules he's made up for you, then punishes you for all eternity for it....come on...thats just being a d*ck.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OFFICALLY THE BEST THREAD EVER. OMG.
Poor guy, well you never know, I think all you need to do is explain things to her, I'm sure she'll understand, but you could've done better though I think, regarding making decisions.
Big thx to MasterKojito for making my sig
RuYi wrote:Guys, I think we should promote destructionmama to Captain Obvious. :3
It will never matter if it was MrFudge or not, if it was fake or not. Why would it matter? You don't know MrFudge, you don't know the guy it happened to. It might have happened to someone, it's funny and the only reason it's funny is because all the guys here know it's plausible. So Farking plausible
man I had trouble Farking breathing while I read it, I had to laugh that bad. I guess it's not yours, but the person who thought of this has to be a genius.
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