Book 1, Chapter 1

[GuardianAngels]

I hope SRF enjoys this tiny story, there is another chapter after this, if you would like me to release it, but first, please rate the first chapter

Daylight
Peace and tranquility were like air breezing through the grassy plains. In a nearby town, a group of students were enjoying themselves, like the many other youngsters. However, within that perfect picture, a character stood out of balance. Unlike his fellow classmates, he was not smiling. He was, after all, a classmate, not a friend. This young boy was around the age of 12 with a rather round shaped face. He was excluded for his lack of judgement. He always said things that would annoy classmates, and others despised this trait of his. Though he does not mean to blurt out foolish comments, he could not control it. Classes were dull, especially for him, who had no one to sit beside, leaving him alone in the back of the room, pondering. He lived in a local community, not far from the school; however, his slow moving feet would often get tired, making a quick 15min walk into a dreaded 45min workout. One day, he chose to walk the longer way home, for he was carrying his report card, fully loaded with c’s and b’s. He knew that his parents would give him a difficult time, so he tricked himself in delaying the inevitable, and take a longer walk to clear his troubled mind. Along the way, he saw a fellow classmate who sat in front of him during the dull math classes. The young boy was never good at math and would often blurt out more dumb answers when the teacher asked him a question. Without thinking, the young boy broke into a run and stopped beside his classmate. This was the first time they talked, so he was determined not to ruin a possible friendship. As their conversation ensued, the lead topic was their report card. The classmate’s was a straight A student, and naturally his report card was filled with A. The young boy was embarrassed; however, the classmate did not mind his stupidity as much as his other classmates. Laughing away the embarrassment, the two went their separate ways home.
Autumn turned into winter, the leaves were buried by white snow. The young boy never took the long way home since many months ago when he got his report card. Today, however, he was once again forced to talk the long way since his usual road was blocked by the mountain loads of snow. He saw his classmate, though they had occasional chatted during breaks, they never delved into a good discussion. Today, he caught up again to his classmate, and immediately, the two started chatting again. Due to the season, the two decided to meet up and play in the snow, this had been the first time the young boy played with a friend in a long while. The two enjoyed themselves torpedoing down the snow banks, the fun was mutually shared. Since then, the two became great friends, and the boy would often walk the long way home.

[CrimsonNuker]

tl;dr lol

[Mirosuke]

tl;dr lol

lol

[Locketart]

cliffs please

[HughGRection]

tl;dr lol

and you insist on posting why?

I liked it, was a good read. Haven't read in awhile

[evilpeta]

first chapter should be like an introduction, but i get absolutely no names, not even the protagonist's. try giving out some names first to make it interesting.
try replacing "enjoying themselves" in the last or first paragraph, reading it twice makes it sound weird. describe the surroundings a bit more and go into more detail on the aspect of the characters before going into the story, so the reader can picture it better.
also, you make the protagonist look overwhelmingly homosexual in the last paragraph.
4/10, good grammar.
no offense

[XemnasXD]

i think you have a dirty mind peta...i didn't get a boner, it wasn't gay...it wasn't good either though. To be honest i would've preferred a boner. No i kid. It was alright.

Ah well the only thing i didn't like was the lack of paragraphs though since this is the first chapter and you gave us no title, character names, or any plot besides a forming friendship i can't say it was a great literary work. It was readable but not interesting in any way shape or form.

And i know a little something about writing, i didn't win that title of mine in a cheesy no talent competition for nothing...
for the record it was an extremely challenging competition and i deserve my awesome title

[evilpeta]

i think you have a dirty mind peta...i didn't get a boner, it wasn't gay...it wasn't good either though. To be honest i would've preferred a boner. No i kid. It was alright.

Ah well the only thing i didn't like was the lack of paragraphs though since this is the first chapter and you gave us no title, character names, or any plot besides a forming friendship i can't say it was a great literary work. It was readable but not interesting in any way shape or form.

And i know a little something about writing, i didn't win that title of mine in a cheesy no talent competition for nothing...
for the record it was an extremely challenging competition and i deserve my awesome title

"torpedoing down the snow banks, the fun was mutually shared"?
and taking a long walk for another boy friend?
i swear, if you replace that "boy friend" for a girl, you got a love story right there.
fck, you gotta be kidding me if that stuff doesn't sound gay, lol..

[Doppleganger]

Book 1 Chapter 2
better start off with
The zombies have taken over the city.

[XemnasXD]

he said he'd often walk the long way home...i dunno maybe it is gay but from personal experiences i'd often walk the long way home to accompany friends and there was nothing gay about it...could the wording be better, yes, but only to discourage people like you from pointing it out...its like how in 6th grade you can't say "come" because everyone starts giggling...

[GuardianAngels]

who said his classmate was not a girl?
and i purposely did not name them, due to reasons. All u need to know is protagonist=young boy

[SM-Count]

first chapter should be like an introduction, but i get absolutely no names, not even the protagonist's. try giving out some names first to make it interesting.
try replacing "enjoying themselves" in the last or first paragraph, reading it twice makes it sound weird. describe the surroundings a bit more and go into more detail on the aspect of the characters before going into the story, so the reader can picture it better.
also, you make the protagonist look overwhelmingly homosexual in the last paragraph.
4/10, good grammar.
no offense

Actually he has a lot of grammar mistakes.

[GuardianAngels]

Sry for the grammer mmistakes
also, HE IS NOT GAY

Enlightment
An entire year flew by; the two friends along with the rest of their classmates already graduated from their post secondary education, and were soon headed towards the mysterious high school. The inside was massive, and on their first day, they got lost several times. The young boy did not have any classes with his friend, and most of his old classmates were not in his new classes. He was not liked, but neither was he disliked, it was a fresh start. He took a seat in the very front of the classroom. A black classmate approached him, and sat down beside him. But it was not before long that he moved, his reason was not the young boy, but the teacher, who hovered over the front desk. As the boring lessons on ancient Trojans began, the young boy looked back to observe the class. Suddenly, a figure caught his attention. A girl of astonishing beauty sat behind him. Her eyes glowed like crystals and her blue iris was like the sky. Her silky blonde hair was smooth and her eyebrows was defined with a clear line of elegance. The young boy was so shocked that he immediately turned his head back, but it was too late, the girl had already seen his glance. His mind began racing, this was the first time he had seen a girl with such unparallel beauty.
The lesson continued, but the monotone of the teacher was drowned out by the thought of the girl. There were many girls who sat near the back, many with heavy makeup, and others with bright and wildly inappropriate clothing for school, but none had caught the young boy’s attention except the elegant girl. She respected herself in terms of clothing and makeup, her posture was proper. Soon the bell rang, the class was dismissed, and the young boy got another glimps at the elegant girl before she left the classroom.

[Nitro]

You might aswell put everything in one topic, put it like:


              <Title of the book>

Chapter 1

Spoiler!

<text>

Chapter 2

Spoiler!

<text>

SRF is not your personal blog.

[evilpeta]

much better than the last one imo. the description of the 'elegant girl' was on the spot.
some things i don't get:
-the boy only saw one of the girl's eyebrows? you described her 'eyebrow', not eyebrows. i pictured a girl with one eyebrow bigger than the other, no joke. lol

suggestions: i would've described the classrooms: the chairs, the teacher, the teacher's voice, the happenings, the uniforms, his backpack, etc. again, the surroundings, i bet most readers will imagine their own highschool in their head, i bet that's not exactly what you want. describing it a bit more will form a unique picture in the reader's mind.

7/10

ps: sure as hell he isn't gay now. but you're free to make him gay later if you want.

+1 Nitro

[GuardianAngels]

sry about eyebrow
i didnt wanna bore u guys with unimportant stuff like chairs
and u cant jus turn gey..........

[I_R_Powerpuff]

You might aswell put everything in one topic, put it like:


              <Title of the book>

Chapter 1

Spoiler!

<text>

Chapter 2

Spoiler!

<text>

SRF is not your personal blog.

Gief Blog section!

[pr0klobster]

who said his classmate was not a girl?
and i purposely did not name them, due to reasons. All u need to know is protagonist=young boy

You did:

"The classmate’s was a straight A student, and naturally his report card was filled with A."

(as opposed to the protagonist with "c's" and "b's" - btw, if you're going to capitalize one grade, might as well do them all)

Jeez, I've never seen so many "he's".

[pr0klobster]

I particularly enjoyed this statement:

"He was not liked, but neither was he disliked"

[SidiousX]

Give him a name

I vote for Tom. lol

[Mirosuke]

You might aswell put everything in one topic, put it like:


              <Title of the book>

Chapter 1

Spoiler!

<text>

Chapter 2

Spoiler!

<text>

SRF is not your personal blog.

What he said. Not need to post many topics for this stuff. You could add it on one single topic tho.

[SM-Count]

Merged into one topic for you, keep it that way.

[XemnasXD]

behold the power of the mods!

[inky]

Honest opinion (so flame away at your own risk of looking stupid):

The story seems too plain, the writing style is that of an average sophomore high school student's, there's very limited room for any development in the plot or characters (whoever they are), and there's absolutely nothing in there that can hook anyone into reading the entire thing.

It sounded like a lame attempt to recreate something along the lines of J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye or Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being a Wallflower. If you're planning on reinventing the wheel, at least try to give the readers something that would keep their interest high enough to keep on going.

edit: Reading the 2nd part and some of your replies, it sounds like you're trying to create the story based on your junior high experiences with a crush. Good way of venting out all those emotions but it'll bore everyone to death

[dom]

Maybe you should consider photography or sculpting