F*** My Life.

Hostage · Post by **Hostage** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 6:33 pm

Not sure how new, old, known this is but I just came across it and some of them really made me laugh.

Today, I tried having intercourse with my boyfriend, and about 30 seconds in, I heard flipping. He was looking at a porn magazine. "It's to keep my erection" he answered. FML

lol!poor girl.

http://www.fmylife.com/

heroo · Post by **heroo** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 6:36 pm

hahahaha wtf

soooo sad

Isis · Post by **Isis** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 6:50 pm

Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML

They are so funny LOL

heroo · Post by **heroo** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 6:54 pm

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. At that point I noticed my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the street and was run over by several cars. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

HAHAHAHAH, i love this site

woutR · Post by **woutR** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 6:57 pm

Yeah I really like that website, but to be honest I think a lot of them are fake.

diCe · Post by **diCe** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:04 pm

this is the best one

Today, I finally had my tongue piercing heal up so I decided to try oral on my girl. Unfortunately, she has a hood piercing that got caught on my tongue ring, and neither of us could get them apart. We had to call my mom in to solve the problem. FML

Isis · Post by **Isis** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:06 pm

Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex. FML

heroo · Post by **heroo** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:07 pm

Today, I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. When I arrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack while having sex. FML

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

rumpleKillskin · Post by **rumpleKillskin** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:08 pm

It truly is a great website. Though I sometimes think that some are fake. They can be so horrible you would wish they are fake at times.

maxietheboss · Post by **maxietheboss** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:31 pm

Today, I was talking to my guy friend about prom. I told him I was turned down by 7 guys. So he said "Well, you could always ask me." I then said "Do you want to go to prom with me?" His response was "Nope...now that's 8!" FML

he's a genious

Toasty · Post by **Toasty** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:41 pm

I'm loving this website!

Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

That would be slightly awkward.

diCe · Post by **diCe** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:55 pm

Today, I was setting up my laptop's fingerprint scanner. It worked, but in the name of science, I decided to put my penis on it to see if it could recognize it. When I was trying to login via my penis print, my mom walked in.

omg

Doppleganger · Post by **Doppleganger** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:05 pm

Friend showed me this a few weeks ago, this is one of my favs.

Today, I went to my friends house when his parents were out to smoke weed. 45 minutes into smoking, his parents called to say they'd be home 5 minutes. We sprayed the house with Lysol and Frebreeze to mask the smell. We were high and in a rush; it was bug spray and shaving cream. FML

lolololol

maxietheboss · Post by **maxietheboss** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:12 pm

That site is honestly full of epic fail and epic win XD

SweetNess · Post by **SweetNess** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:22 pm

Today, I babysat for two little girls, who wanted to play 'mermaids'. I smiled, and said that I would love to play with them. The older girl laughed, saying "You can't be a mermaid. Mermaids are pretty." FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said there was someone else, and that he has been in love with her for a while. Turns out, the new girl was his online video game character. I got dumped for a video game. FML

AkillerNXC · Post by **AkillerNXC** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:25 pm

Today, I finally had my tongue piercing heal up so I decided to try oral on my girl. Unfortunately, she has a hood piercing that got caught on my tongue ring, and neither of us could get them apart. We had to call my mom in to solve the problem. FML

_Lana_ · Post by **_Lana_** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:30 pm

I started crying while reading..... Epic site

Melez · Post by **Melez** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:47 pm

Heheh, very funny site. Bookmarked.

_Lana_ · Post by **_Lana_** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:49 pm

Today, I was texting two people at once. Trying to respond to my friend's text, I accidentally clicked on this guy's name instead, who I've never met. He just told me about his grandma's funeral he went to that was an open casket. I responded with, "Haha wow you slut, I'm sure you were aroused.

Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML

*floor*

XemnasXD · Post by **XemnasXD** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:54 pm

Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

i chuckled....

_Lana_ · Post by **_Lana_** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 9:05 pm

XemnasXD wrote:
Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

i chuckled....

ROFL

Today, it's my birthday. My mom decided to wake me up by having our new, previously stray, cat thrown on top of me. I was awoken to two claws ripping across my face which needed 16 stitches to fix. Happy Birthday. FML

ouch lol

Miguez · Post by **Miguez** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 9:44 pm

Today, I was going to a stoplight party. Green shirt=single, yellow=hard to get and red=taken. I show up wearing a red shirt and I see my boyfriend in a green shirt. Thinking it was a mistake I ask him jokingly why he isnt wearing red. He looks at me weird and says "Oh... you didnt get my text?" FML

That site is awesome.

*BlackFox · Post by *BlackFox » Sat Mar 28, 2009 9:45 pm

maxietheboss wrote:That site is honestly full of epic fail and epic win XD

Yeah!

izmeister · Post by **izmeister** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 9:56 pm

Today, me and my girlfriend went to the club. And the song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce came on; the DJ came on the mic and said "Single ladies raise your hands!" My girlfriend raise her hand. FML

Shomari · Post by **Shomari** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 10:13 pm

Today, I was reported to my principal because someone caught me shooting up at the cafeteria lunch table and as a result I have been suspended from school. I am a diabetic, I was giving myself insulin before I ate crappy school food. FML

Post by **Doron** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 11:27 pm

Today, I was playing Xbox live with my boyfriend. I was bored so I decided to mess around. So I put down my remote and unbuttoned his pants. Two minutes in he said, "Hurry up, we're getting killed without you. Besides you're way better at video games." FML

Today, I came out to my mom. I had an epic speech planned, and when I tried to tell her, it all fell apart and I started crying and just said, "I'm gay." After a few seconds silence, my mom sighs and says, "Duh." FML

Today, my 13 year old sister had to explain the bases to me. Turns out, I have skipped first and second base and gone straight to third, without even realizing it. What makes it worse is that she told my mother, and now my whole family thinks I'm a slut. FML

Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML

Today, my boss came back from a 2 week vacation. I was the only one covering for him, and I did an excellent job. It was my chance to get a promotion. I actually improved his sales while he was gone. But the only thing he noticed was that I killed his plant. FML

Today, my parents won't stop bragging about how my sister is dating the captain of her high school football team. I just got accepted to law school. FML

YangKang · Post by **YangKang** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 11:37 pm

Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML

ROFL!

Psychedeelic · Post by **Psychedeelic** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 11:49 pm

hahaha these are sooo funny, yet sad some of them. poor people, if at least 50% of these are real, I'll never call myself an unlucky person ever again xD

MiKe 51-50 · Post by **MiKe 51-50** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 11:50 pm

I've wasted so many days reading on this site

Draquish · Post by **Draquish** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 11:53 pm

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

Today, the girl I've loved for the past two years finally expressed her innermost feelings for me. After a brief make out session, she asked me to "never leave her side". When I got home, my mom told me that my dad got a new job. I'm moving to the other side of the globe in two weeks. FML

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