Anywho...have any of you felt guilty about yourself for something you've done wrong in your life, that you should have done? I just have this feeling inside me all the time that wants to do something in life that will put me in a position in society where I can call myself a well educated person later in life. Right now, by the looks of what I'm doing...it won't be like that later on. In school, I've always wanted to succeed and make my parents proud. But ever since I've gotten a computer, that "dream" if you may call it, has been going downhill. I don't know what it is about a computer, but it fascinates me to such an extent that I don't do my school work, well I do most of it, but I'm not at a level where I can call myself a very good student and be high in the class rank. When every year starts, I tell myself that I will do this, do that, do this, do that...but everything ends up being undone. For instance when school starts for me, I usually "try" to set a goal for the year...to get ALL my homework done, and have an average grade of an A. But, that doesn't end up happening...I miss one assignment...then two...then three and so on. But it doesn't go to an extent where I just don't do my homework at all. Other things come up, like Silkroad when I started playing in august of 2007. I don't know what it is about Silkroad, but I've wanted to quit many times...I have left the game for a month in a row for 2 times, but then came back to it, not cause of boredom but instead because of friends. Yeah, I have real life friends but online friends are different. I am shy to say things to my rl friends, and always think that they will think differently of me after I've said this, or done that. Having online friends has showed me that that's not always the case. I used to be so shy before, to even talk about my problems to people that I'd just take it in. Yes in other words, bullying...people say stuff to me, yeah it bothers me but I don't show it. I make it seem like I don't care, but in the end, those feelings get to me...and well...I cry. Laugh all you want, but I've learned that only a brave person would reveal something like what I am revealing to the public...and not be afraid of it.
Anywho getting back onto subject, I think the computer itself is the cause of this very problem. Now everyone who posts to this will just say "leave god damnit, its that easy..it'll solve all your problems." Well, I've made tons of friends, countless amounts while being on the computer, through various different games...and saying good bye to them is a difficult thing for me. I consider being on the computer, talking to people that live in different countries, people who you've known for so long a part of my life. My parents, well maybe parents in general tend to say negative things about the computer...how it's useless and you don't learn from it. Well, tbh, I've learned 90% of things from friends who I met in games, cause they made me realize that there's no reason for you to be shy about anything, and just be yourself. I won't lie, I am a different person online than in real life...because online, I'm not afraid of anything, whilst in real life...I've always had the fear of rejection, thought of differently... But yeah..I wish I could go back and fix everything wrong that I have done and relive my life the way my parents hoped it would be. Getting good grades in school and such...but right now it isn't like that at all. I'm probably a c/low b average student, but that's not good enough. All I want to do now more than anything is just to make my parents proud...and I think the first step towards doing that is doing my homework, and concentrate a lot less on Silkroad.
And to all my friends who helped me get this far...
you all for life. Pardon me for some of my English...it isn't my first language, so some of the sentences may sound wrong.
Edit: After reading this, I have just seen how much offtopic I went throughout the whole thing...hehe well I was never a good writer, probably will never be either, but I try my best. =(
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