Depressed, dead, anxious, and miserable.

[ThatBluePerson]

During the last months I lost practically all motivation to do anything. Motivation to enjoy the joy of the most important things about life (friends, love, health), and the ones that just let me vent-off when I just need time alone (all my hobbies:TV, WoW, Internet, Guitar, Movies, Reading). I don't know how and I don't know why, but as those things were leaving, my sorrow became anger, and anger finally apathy. Maybe I should thank "Life" because now I'm not scared of anything, but I can hope for nothing too.

Yesterday and Tomorrow are indiscernible, Today can't be felt anymore. The days follow one after the other without me realizing anything. Every single day feels like it doesn't have an ending, my days are incomplete and I can tell you that it's not only torture but at the same time life deteriorating. My body seems to grow weak with every day that passes by and my mind decays. All I have is pain and suffering.

I don't know if God exists (and actually I don't give a damn), I just know that if He does, He had rather defeat apathy before evil....and I wish He had done it... People tell me that oh, it was all bound to happen because it's how it was meant to be, and God will only open more doors for me. Actually I feel like all my doors have been closed and I'm trapped in a dark room with no exit, wasting my time trying to find one all alone. Groping in the darkness, abandoned, no one to help me, and those who try only fail. I have failed to escape this madness myself, what is there to do now?

Somebody told me "don't you think there are many people all around the world who suffer decidedly more than you?". All I can say is that he's right, but I don't get how can I be better just knowing somebody is suffering, knowing their plights even worse than mine. Besides no one's suffering should be compared to others' or mine, that is no way a justification or a method of soothing such pains, it's rather an insult and exposure of what you really think of my misery. So I've concluded that suffering is part of life and we all have to have it, and I'm forced to ask why? Why God? Everything I did and lived for and this is what I get? Why can't life be fair, I try to make it fair individually, but again I find myself failing at it.

Now Faith is useless to me, Reason is useless to me, Heart is useless to me, Hope is useless to me, People are useless to me. I just want to sleep.

When I sleep, if able to, I wake up exhausted and only long for more sleep. I have developed a fear for sleep, as when I sleep I dream of the good life that I don't have, it's unavoidable, to only wake up again and feel miserable for what the reality that my life actually is.

I want to be happy, but I can't. There is only one thing in life that will make me smile genuinely and able me to be happy again. That one thing is the very source of my misery, overturning it and making it what it was, why can't that be the reality that my life was? I have attempted countless times to fix it, alone, the only warrior devoted to fight this struggle, everyday I fall to the ground in the battlefield, defeated. It only makes me feel useless, and unable to do anything else. Even more, it's not the only battle I have to fight, and sometimes I think to myself that maybe, maybe I'm fighting the wrong battle, one that I will never win. I ponder giving up, but that will mean giving up on life, one thing that I'm not willing to do. Not on the life that desire to recuperate, the life that made me happy.

I have struggled all this time, preserving every bit of strength I have left to fight off this pain. Of course I will eventually run out of my resource and what will I do next? I sense that the time is coming, I'm weaker than before both physically and mentally. I'm depleted. It all sucks, it sucks very much... Since the very beginning of all this misery I only hoped that it will only get better as time progressed, but I was wrong, yet I continue to hope that someday it will happen. I guess somehow hope has managed to tap some strength into me, but at the same time hope is weak and it only makes me weaker. The more hopeful I get, it only backlashes back and throws me down even further. Another thing I can't help but to continue doing. I don't feel guilty about it, I don't feel that is my mistake, I don't feel that I should perhaps stop hoping for my life to get better, no, because as the human that I am it's only natural for me to hope for what I want to become what I can have. I'm not going to stop doing it.

I had good hopes for a great year, after such a great summer, the best summer of my life, and ahead I only foresaw and awesome school year, but it all went downhill. Life gave up on me and I gave up on life, a mistake that I regret, can I go back and climb my obstacles and get my life back together?, possibly, but I lack the strength to do so.

A couple of people have criticized my approach to all this, but to you I tell you the typical saying, maybe if you lived my life and felt what I feel then you will understand why your advice is useless to me. Walk a mile in my shoes and then come back and see if you have the same advice. But ultimately it's up to me to figure out what will work and what won't, I have done that and I have concluded to something that I want, of course. Yet nothing will change that, even as I have said I'm the only warrior wiling to fight for that, even if fail continuously, because it's what I want, nothing will change that, and I will only continue to seek that as the proper solution. Despite all that, it is the proper solution.

I wish someone would understand that that's what it is. Not just anyone, but someone.

[Kirkaldi]

How did all this misery for you start?

[Nick Invaders]

I don't know what happened, but just keep going on and you'll eventually make it out.

[ThatBluePerson]

How did all this misery for you start?

I lost someone very important to me, possibly he only person that I genuinely could count as a real friend, the only person that truly cared for me and who I am as a person. It all makes life feel empty.

[Nick Invaders]

How did all this misery for you start?

I lost someone very important to me, possibly he only person that I genuinely could count as a real friend, the only person that truly cared for me and who I am as a person. It all makes life feel empty.

Everyone has hardships during life. Some harder than others. Imagine you were the friend that died, would you want to look back and see your friend living in misery because of you? Nobody would want that.

Don't dwell on the fact that you lost him/her. You can't change what happened. What you can change is what will you do after that. Your friend will have wanted you to go on. To live a happy life.

[Kirkaldi]

How did all this misery for you start?

I lost someone very important to me, possibly he only person that I genuinely could count as a real friend, the only person that truly cared for me and who I am as a person. It all makes life feel empty.

Everyone has hardships during life. Some harder than others. Imagine you were the friend that died, would you want to look back and see your friend living in misery because of you? Nobody would want that.

Don't dwell on the fact that you lost him/her. You can't change what happened. What you can change is what will you do after that. Your friend will have wanted you to go on. To live a happy life.

I couldn't have said it better.

[inky]

tl;dr.

Spoiler!

[Nick Invaders]

tl;dr.

Spoiler!

You are not helping.

[McLovin1t]

You should talk to some people, talk to teachers, guitar teachers, parents, anyone close to you.
Trust me, people die, and it's the worst feeling possible, but it's not worth giving up on life.
I sympathize for you bro, and people care about you.
TL;dr the entire thing, but I got the idea.
You just gotta hang in there, there are so many amazing things in life to experience!

[Azilius]

Cry for attention.

Life isn't fair but you aren't supposed to suddenly give up when shit happens. People lose their entire families, fortunes and friends but they don't give up..

What makes you think you are so special? Worse shit has definitely happened to members of this forum but they aren't going to spill their feelings everywhere longing for attention.

Many people experience sad feelings every single day, it's a part of life that can be seen as an obstacle on the road to overcome, not to sit beside and forget about the rest of the road while others drive by..

[cpinney]

No matter how shitty it all is now, it was ALWAYS get better, never forget that.

[dom]

tl;dr.

Spoiler!

If I was QQing and I saw that it would cheer me up. I loled when I saw it.

Although your attempts at smiles may not be well received by everyone, your efforts and consideration do not go unappreciated!

[inky]

tl;dr.

Spoiler!

You are not helping.

That's because I don't believe him one bit. Either that or some pseudo-depressed kid craving for attention. That's just my take on it.

Lol@dom. I guess you could look at it that way.

[Nick Invaders]

tl;dr.

Spoiler!

You are not helping.

That's because I don't believe him one bit. Either that or some pseudo-depressed kid craving for attention. That's just my take on it.

Lol@dom. I guess you could look at it that way.

He may be lying, but if I were seeking attention, I wouldn't write such a long and elaborate post.

[McLovin1t]

You are not helping.

That's because I don't believe him one bit. Either that or some pseudo-depressed kid craving for attention. That's just my take on it.

Lol@dom. I guess you could look at it that way.

He may be lying, but if I were seeking attention, I wouldn't write such a long and elaborate post.

I agree with Invaders. Noone would spend that much effort to troll or attention whore... except silo. jk.. kind of

[inky]

He may be lying, but if I were seeking attention, I wouldn't write such a long and elaborate post.

I'd have to disagree with you on that.

4Chan comes to mind

[Goseki]

Off Topic: Attn Seeking would write long-ass post.

On Topic:

Nick has it right. You lost your friend, it hurts, but think if it was you who died and he was alive. If you saw him, wouldn't you want him to go on living life.

With a society as large as ours, it's pretty common to feel a lost sense of purpose since there are so many others. This is why suicide rates increase with population size. The trick is to just realize that life is precious. Go on living and enjoy it. It's like a ride. If you've lost your sense of direction, just go take a walk. Realize how everything is living, realize how big this world is. Go and see what else lies out there. Take life and run with it. If not for you, for those who don't get to experience it.

Each person's path will be different, experience yours.

[Nick Invaders]

He may be lying, but if I were seeking attention, I wouldn't write such a long and elaborate post.

I'd have to disagree with you on that.

4Chan comes to mind

Never been to 4Chan. Probably never will.

[Blurred]

Okay you're not seeking attention, but why not write this long ass post in a forum where people can actually help you. I don't think silk road forums off topic lounge will help.

[Reise]

You know, last weekend I fainted. Went completely limp for a few minutes. During the time that I was out, I felt like I was having one of those situations where I was conscious even though I was still sleeping. I couldn't move and I was basically trapped in my own head as it more or less "crashed" while I laid there. It f*cked me up so bad I honestly thought I had died, and ever since then nothing has felt real at all. Only just yesterday are things coming back to normal.

You don't hear me bitching about it though.

[Blurred]

You know, last weekend I fainted. Went completely limp for a few minutes. During the time that I was out, I felt like I was having one of those situations where I was conscious even though I was still sleeping. I couldn't move and I was basically trapped in my own head as it more or less "crashed" while I laid there. It f*cked me up so bad I honestly thought I had died, and ever since then nothing has felt real at all. Only just yesterday are things coming back to normal.

You don't hear me bitching about it though.

You're bitching about it now!

[Locketart]

I get depressive episodes too. If you have health insurance, look on the back of your card for mental health services and look for a local therapist. Hopefully therapy will help and if it doesn't get better, prozac or some kind of SSRI might be a good idea.

[Nick Invaders]

Okay you're not seeking attention, but why not write this long ass post in a forum where people can actually help you. I don't think silk road forums off topic lounge will help.

I'm trying to help. I love helping people.

[Blurred]

Okay you're not seeking attention, but why not write this long ass post in a forum where people can actually help you. I don't think silk road forums off topic lounge will help.

I'm trying to help. I love helping people.

I have a mole in the middle of both my ass cheeks AKA the asshole, every time I fart, it moves. What can you do about it?

[Nick Invaders]

Okay you're not seeking attention, but why not write this long ass post in a forum where people can actually help you. I don't think silk road forums off topic lounge will help.

I'm trying to help. I love helping people.

I have a mole in the middle of both my ass cheeks AKA the asshole, every time I fart, it moves. What can you do about it?

>.<

[Blurred]

>.<

[ThatBluePerson]

The banana picture actually made me lol. All of my current "friends" always make fun of me or just joke about how I should kill myself. Perhaps it is attention that I am seeking (maybe you didn't read it and missed the part where it says I need it), and sometimes the most anonymous people will give the most valuable advice without biased or without I want this for you because it fits who you are how you live and what I think you're capable of because this is who you are.

Everyone here doesn't know who I am in real life and can give me words that I can take and apply to the life that I only know. The friend I lost and did not lose because of God, if you would allow me to call it as that, but to other injustices, I should have my friend with me and that just is not the case.

[Nick Invaders]

I'm far from an expert on this, but I think they're teasing you because they don't really understand your situation. Oh, I must have missed that attention part, but anyways whatever you do. Just keep going.

[ZaKnighT]

well i have read some of your message. just to let you know i was in the same shit. i had my best friends, we where almost raised together since we where 5 years old. car accident all where gone. at the age 16. time will pass.. trust me just get your self busy. if u remembered them say a prayer for them or do some thing makes you busy.. i advice you to do like me i started playing soccer and got a job. your still young, life is hard but its nice. u still have a long way. if u have a girlfriend or a good friend of yours talk to him don't let it to your self (my gf helped me a lot!).

[Ownage]

You should talk to some people, talk to teachers, guitar teachers, parents, anyone close to you.
Trust me, people die, and it's the worst feeling possible, but it's not worth giving up on life.
I sympathize for you bro, and people care about you.
TL;dr the entire thing, but I got the idea.
You just gotta hang in there, there are so many amazing things in life to experience!

lol goes very well with banana picture.