So uhm (English assignment)

[Snoopy]

Well, I've got this reasonably easy English assignment (600-800 wds). I'm required to write a small "Feature Article", the topics are:

1. The Media, the new Pied Piper.
2. Surveillance Cameras, Privacy Intrusion?
Beijing 2008 Olympics, is it Chinas time to open up?

So basically #1 sounds the easiest, and is quite easy to write about. I was thinking a long the lines of older people in the community putting teenagers into gross generalisations and stereotypes because of the Medias manipulation, and possible bias.

#2 sounded quite hard, and If I were to do it, I'd focus on probably Big Brother as being an invasion of privacy, however the people who enter the houses sign the contract and is not compulsory to go in the house. So then I though about Google Street Smart, or whatever it's called. The thing where you can find your house etc and what it looks like from the street.

#3 Probably the most difficult of them all, is whether China as a whole country would open up after the Beijing Olympics. That may sound dumb, but China having been on the world stage was under a lot of pressure to open up.

What's your opinions?

Also, I've pretty much wrote a very simple, unedited 600 word feature article on the Media. If anyone wants to help me, preferably someone with good vocabulary, could possibly read over it and make some useful adjustments where necessary <3.

Drop me a PM on SRF and I'll reply with my MSN Email address. -.-


Snoopy.

[TOloseGT]

i've been known to receive As on my essay assignments, particularly ones pertaining to detailed analysis and critique of w/e the hell the shit's about. i've also been known to use over the top vocabulary to describe inane details that ups the word count. i would love to give your essay a try. i would have loved you even more if you picked #3, but i'll stick wit what u throw at me.

i would like an outline of ur essay along wit the 600 word feature cuz believe it or not, the outline is the hardest part; the rest is research and wordplay.

i also promise to capitalize my "I"s and use proper spelling for "your", "you're", "with", "what the hell", "shut the **** up", "laugh out loud", etc.

andddddd, i won't use profane words that might net you a big fat F on the paper.

[Snoopy]

i've been known to receive As on my essay assignments, particularly ones pertaining to detailed analysis and critique of w/e the hell the shit's about. i've also been known to use over the top vocabulary to describe inane details that ups the word count. i would love to give your essay a try. i would have loved you even more if you picked #3, but i'll stick wit what u throw at me.

i would like an outline of ur essay along wit the 600 word feature cuz believe it or not, the outline is the hardest part; the rest is research and wordplay.

i also promise to capitalize my "I"s and use proper spelling for "your", "you're", "with", "what the hell", "shut the **** up", "laugh out loud", etc.

andddddd, i won't use profane words that might net you a big fat F on the paper.

#3 is harder, but if you have free time and would like to give it a shot =p. Better marks are handed out for the harder topics. and China & Beijing interested my from day-dot, just I thought to go with the easier one.

I'll give you description of topic #3 in a minute.

[TOloseGT]

well i opened it up and nothing came up o.o

[Snoopy]

well i opened it up and nothing came up o.o

xD I'll post it here then.

Spoiler!

HEADLINE
“kicker”
Lead Paragraph: It’s considered that every young person has had the experience where a shop attendant eyes you suspiciously or a bus driver refuses to give you concession rates despite the presence of your student card, concession card and every piece of evidence you could possibly need. Every day the youth of Australia, and even the youth of the world fall victim to unfair judgment. Many claim this is the fault, at least partly, of the media and the way it portrays young people. Arguably, media focus on youth drug addiction, vandalism, unprotected sex, as well as many other ‘negative’ issues. It’s issues like these that have led some people to form gross generalisations and stereotypes on the youth of Australia.
Corey Worthington, Australia’s now well known “Party Boy”, or so labelled by UK Today newspaper editor, Bryan Young, was host to Australia’s biggest ‘home’ party when his house, and the street he lived in got absolutely trashed, thanks to MySpace where he advertised his party where the entire world could view it. Though Corey Worthington isn’t the only one having large partys, recently a girl in the UK, Gemma Anscomb had her trashed after she advertised her party on popular social network, Bebo. Trends seem to be happening in recent years, as alcohol and drugs become easier for younger people to get their hands on, and internet at their fingertips, the organisational process seems a breeze.
T2: The media plays an important role in creating public opinion and in turn in creating policy and laws. If the media representation of young people is inaccurate, there is a danger that the policies created will not address their needs. Negative media stereotypes can also influence young people themselves a kind of self fulfilling prophecy. On a broader level, young people can be discriminated against or treated suspiciously because of stereotypes formed. This is very important as young people should feel embraced by their community, and not alienated by it.
T3: The media is extremely complicated. The creation of stories is influenced by a range of factors which varies depending on the media. Things like public opinion, what sells and what doesn’t, and what qualifies as a ‘good’ news story are all things that have to be taken into account. An understanding about how the media operates is important if you want to go about changing it.
T4: In gossip magazines around the world, where a picture of a celebrity on a beach sells for millions of dollars the media is used to manipulate our views on people, by only giving us “so much” information about them. For example, Lindsey Lohan is always doing something wrong as represented by the media. She is always in and out of rehab, always crashing her car, or stumbling into a gutter. The media wouldn’t dare say “Here was Lindsey today, doing a fund raiser for the Breast Cancer Awareness”, because it more than likely wouldn’t sell to the public. Money has always been the issue with media, and probably always will be, as long as there’s someone willing to buy a magazine, there will always be someone willing to pay the price for the picture that will sell the magazine.

Conclusion:

That's my extremely rough draft, teacher hasn't looked at it yet. That's tomorrow *fingers crossed*

Do you think I go a bit "off-topic" in it?

It's also missing a conclusion, heading, and kicker.

Any feedback is good feedback

[TOloseGT]

LEAD PARAGRAPH

It’s considered that every young person has had the experience...

starting wit "it" makes for a weak intro. who considers that every young person blah blah blah? which studies if any? which age group considers it? go more in depth.

Every day the youth of Australia, and even the youth of the world fall victim to unfair judgment.

put everyday at the back of the sentence. "the youth ...fall victim...everyday"

Many claim this is the fault, at least partly, of the media and the way it portrays young people.

who claims? many of whom? old people? chinese people? martians? the key to a successful essay is in the details.

Arguably, media focus on youth drug addiction, vandalism, unprotected sex, as well as many other ‘negative’ issues. It’s issues like these that have led some people to form gross generalisations and stereotypes on the youth of Australia.

drop the "arguably". "The Media", not "media". don't put quote marks on negative. it's issues like..what? those two sentences can be formed into one long one, and always be clear on what u'r pointing to (you have to imagine that a 5 year old is grading ur paper). the "youth of australia" can be changed to "australian youth" cuz u already used youth of australia two lines up.

Corey Worthington, Australia’s now well known “Party Boy”, or so labelled by UK Today newspaper editor, Bryan Young, was host to Australia’s biggest ‘home’ party when his house, and the street he lived in got absolutely trashed, thanks to MySpace where he advertised his party where the entire world could view it. Though Corey Worthington isn’t the only one having large partys, recently a girl in the UK, Gemma Anscomb had her trashed after she advertised her party on popular social network, Bebo.

awkward. maybe "thanks to social networking sites like myspace and bebo, retards like Corey and Gemma were able to gain 5 minutes of infamy and misplaced respect." add summaries of their brief escapades in there somewhere. however, dun lose sight of ur prompt. mass media = pied piper! how did myspace and bebo ..... up children? go more in depth; if not here, then save a paragraph for online networking sites.

Trends seem to be happening in recent years, as alcohol and drugs become easier for younger people to get their hands on, and internet at their fingertips, the organisational process seems a breeze.

which trends? the trend that alcohol + drugs + internet = ez? what organizational process? is this ur thesis statement?

T2

The media plays an important role in creating public opinion and in turn in creating policy and laws. If the media representation of young people is inaccurate, there is a danger that the policies created will not address their needs. Negative media stereotypes can also influence young people themselves a kind of self fulfilling prophecy. On a broader level, young people can be discriminated against or treated suspiciously because of stereotypes formed. This is very important as young people should feel embraced by their community, and not alienated by it.

why is there a danger that policies change from mass media? how does it change? take us step-by-step. how can negative stereotypes influence young people? what happens when young people don't feel embraced by their community? give examples.

T3

The media is extremely complicated. The creation of stories is influenced by a range of factors which varies depending on the media. Things like public opinion, what sells and what doesn’t, and what qualifies as a ‘good’ news story are all things that have to be taken into account. An understanding about how the media operates is important if you want to go about changing it.

"things" is such an ugly word. how does mass media operate? why do factors like public opinion and etc. influence stories?

T4

In gossip magazines around the world, where a picture of a celebrity on a beach sells for millions of dollars the media is used to manipulate our views on people, by only giving us “so much” information about them. For example, Lindsey Lohan is always doing something wrong as represented by the media. She is always in and out of rehab, always crashing her car, or stumbling into a gutter. The media wouldn’t dare say “Here was Lindsey today, doing a fund raiser for the Breast Cancer Awareness”, because it more than likely wouldn’t sell to the public. Money has always been the issue with media, and probably always will be, as long as there’s someone willing to buy a magazine, there will always be someone willing to pay the price for the picture that will sell the magazine.

don't use "so much". be direct and to the point: "by only giving us the negative side of lindsay lohan...". dun use "more than likely". why wouldn't stories of beneficial stars sell? is it different for every celebrity? sometimes magazines have stories of good stuff that stars do. "money IS mass media" be direct wit ur statements and be confident. don't use words like "probably, maybe, possibly, most likely, etc.". showing that you have a stance on the issue is a good idea.


other than the occasional spelling and grammar problem, you're well on ur way to a decent essay.

[Snoopy]

Thank you TOloseGT =D

I'm fixing it up right now, will post again when I've finished fixing.

[IceCrash]

nice help tolose <3
gl with it miem ^^

[TOloseGT]

w/e helps my post count! 5000+ gogogogog

[tedtwilliger]

blah blah

Did the assignment actually ask you to justify your text with relevant examples? Because all i am reading are a heap of unjustified, generic facts that have no actual proof behind them except your opinion. If this is the level that you are up to in school than so be it, but when i was at school we wouldn't even score a mark unless we cross justified our text.

[TOloseGT]

yup, needz moar detales

[CrimsonNuker]

#2 is probably the easyest one

[TOloseGT]

rawr

[Snoopy]

blah blah

Did the assignment actually ask you to justify your text with relevant examples? Because all i am reading are a heap of unjustified, generic facts that have no actual proof behind them except your opinion. If this is the level that you are up to in school than so be it, but when i was at school we wouldn't even score a mark unless we cross justified our text.

I'm an A-B student in an OP subject, It isn't meant to be easy. I've never had to write a feature article before. I was on holidays for three months (a whole term) and missed a bunch of work which I've been frantically trying to catch up on. English is the hardest subject in school, and I'm one of the top in my class. Sure I haven't got a bunch of examples.

Generic facts that have no proof except my opinion?

Facts are what makes a feature article. This work I posted on here wasn't drafted by my teacher, nor have I yet had a conference with her. I don't know, maybe you haven't realised that not everyone is a nerd, not everyone paid attention during every loves school and their teachers, not everyone sucks up, not everyone is born smart. I try and that to me is all that matters, I put all my effort into this subject and I'm happy with my B's and A's.

Neither do I spend my lunch times on computers, or for that fact, near a computer. I do my assignments at home, in my own time, and play a computer game in my free time (which isn't much).

I know it needs more details, and I'm working on it. Your opinion is without value to me, and from here on in you are on my "foe" list, and your posts will not show.

[TOloseGT]

dun mind him snoopy

neways, when u have time, can u post ur revised draft?

[Snoopy]

dun mind him snoopy

neways, when u have time, can u post ur revised draft?

Yeah, I should be getting it back from the teacher tomorrow. I'll write her comments down and post them on here for you, and what the current article looks like, then I'll try fix it, and get you to double check again =p.

Thank you greatly TOloseGT.

[tedtwilliger]

blah blah

Did the assignment actually ask you to justify your text with relevant examples? Because all i am reading are a heap of unjustified, generic facts that have no actual proof behind them except your opinion. If this is the level that you are up to in school than so be it, but when i was at school we wouldn't even score a mark unless we cross justified our text.

I'm an A-B student in an OP subject, It isn't meant to be easy. I've never had to write a feature article before. I was on holidays for three months (a whole term) and missed a bunch of work which I've been frantically trying to catch up on. English is the hardest subject in school, and I'm one of the top in my class. Sure I haven't got a bunch of examples.

Generic facts that have no proof except my opinion?

Facts are what makes a feature article. This work I posted on here wasn't drafted by my teacher, nor have I yet had a conference with her. I don't know, maybe you haven't realised that not everyone is a nerd, not everyone paid attention during every loves school and their teachers, not everyone sucks up, not everyone is born smart. I try and that to me is all that matters, I put all my effort into this subject and I'm happy with my B's and A's.

Neither do I spend my lunch times on computers, or for that fact, near a computer. I do my assignments at home, in my own time, and play a computer game in my free time (which isn't much).

I know it needs more details, and I'm working on it. Your opinion is without value to me, and from here on in you are on my "foe" list, and your posts will not show.

I help you out and tell you what i think your lacking ( because we both live in Australia and i have completed my HSC in advanced english and justification is essential ) and you throw hatred at me? AWESOME TIME

[Snoopy]

Did the assignment actually ask you to justify your text with relevant examples? Because all i am reading are a heap of unjustified, generic facts that have no actual proof behind them except your opinion. If this is the level that you are up to in school than so be it, but when i was at school we wouldn't even score a mark unless we cross justified our text.

I'm an A-B student in an OP subject, It isn't meant to be easy. I've never had to write a feature article before. I was on holidays for three months (a whole term) and missed a bunch of work which I've been frantically trying to catch up on. English is the hardest subject in school, and I'm one of the top in my class. Sure I haven't got a bunch of examples.

Generic facts that have no proof except my opinion?

Facts are what makes a feature article. This work I posted on here wasn't drafted by my teacher, nor have I yet had a conference with her. I don't know, maybe you haven't realised that not everyone is a nerd, not everyone paid attention during every lesson and loves school and their teachers, not everyone sucks up, not everyone is born smart. I try and that to me is all that matters, I put all my effort into this subject and I'm happy with my B's and A's.

Neither do I spend my lunch times on computers, or for that fact, near a computer. I do my assignments at home, in my own time, and play a computer game in my free time (which isn't much).

I know it needs more details, and I'm working on it. Your opinion is without value to me, and from here on in you are on my "foe" list, and your posts will not show.

I help you out and tell you what i think your lacking ( because we both live in Australia and i have completed my HSC in advanced english and justification is essential ) and you throw hatred at me? AWESOME TIME

It isn't just THIS topic, you constantly be an ass to me. I'm pretty much sick of it. It all started because I stated my opinion in that topic where the kid got killed.

I don't want to create hatred, because I myself hate it! I hate being picked apart because of who I am, I'm not going to change for anyone.

I'm sorry that my comment contained a lot of hate, but today was a bad day, I got kicked out of Graphics because the teacher hates me. That is no excuse for throwing hatred at you, but I was pretty pissed off at you constantly scrutinizing me, and picking me apart.

I'm willing to forgive you for picking me apart, as long as you're willing to forgive me for throwing unnecessary hatred at you, and any other things you consider offensive what I've done. I may not be the nicest person, but I'm extremely opinionated, and speak my mind. Hope we can call it a truce, and forget about it.

Also, on a side note. Thank you for your constructive criticism, even though I kind of took it a bit to heart.

[tedtwilliger]

I may not be the nicest person, but I'm extremely opinionated, and speak my mind

As am i and honestly, most people in this world. I hold my opinions on who you are and frankly i think your a jerk. I am not forced to like everyone, right? You of all people should understand this concept. I have my opinions and express them. If i want to pick you apart bit by bit than im going to do it. Frankly i except you and anyone else on this forum to do the same to me. No one is perfect right?

Though as a simple rule of thumb i live by: If someone is helping you out, no matter how much they dislike you accept it and appreciate it.

I understand where you are coming from with the bad day and stuff. All of us have our off times and i can respect that.