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The deep orange glow of a roaring fire lit up the deck. The Pegasus flying ships steam engine was at full flow, its only inhabitant began to stir, having fallen asleep some hours earlier. His gloved hand swept the sandy colored hair from his eyes, and stood up wondering how long he had slept. Looking up toward the sky, his steely grey eyes reflected the stars of the night, the shadowy clouds slowly passing by. He turned briskly, his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him, his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

Carbunkle wrote:Hey, just thought id ask some of you a question ^^ Im doing a small creative writing project, and would like some of your opinions please I know my literacy sucks but what id like to know is does it grip you? make you want to read on? Any replies greatly appreciated first paragraph:

The deep orange glow of a roaring fire lit up the deck. The Pegasus flying ships steam engine was at full flow, its only inhabitant began to stir, having fallen asleep some hours earlier. His gloved hand swept the sandy colored hair from his eyes, and stood up wondering how long he had slept. Looking up toward the sky, his steely grey eyes reflected the stars of the night, the shadowy clouds slowly passing by. He turned briskly, his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him, his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno. The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boilers' combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait. Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take its toll on the rest of the crew.

With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand. The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

dom wrote:The deep orange glow of a roaring fire^lit up the deck.
The ^ I put in makes it read weird. I would reorder the sentence so it sounds differently.

my take: A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno.


The Pegasus flying ships steam engine was at full flow, its only inhabitant began to stir, having fallen asleep some hours earlier.

I don't understand what the red means. Is Pegasus a flying-ship, or is Pegasus Flying Ship the name of the craft? What is engine flow? They stirred?

my take: The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boiler combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait.


His gloved hand swept the sandy colored hair from his eyes, and stood up wondering how long he had slept.

It may be because English isn't my first language, but sometimes it seems that some sentences are too simplistic. The red sounds weird, and the following sounds plain.

my take: Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take it's toll. With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand.


Looking up toward the sky, his steely grey eyes reflected the stars of the night, the shadowy clouds slowly passing by. He turned briskly, his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him, his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

That's the best written part of the whole paragraph. It doesn't really need change, but the starting could use a change to make its style fit in with the rest of the section.

my take: The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.


Hope that helped. Sorry for the "my takes", but I couldn't resist. I love writing too.

A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno. The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boilers' combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait. Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take its toll on the rest of the crew.

With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand. The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

dom wrote:The deep orange glow of a roaring fire^lit up the deck.
The ^ I put in makes it read weird. I would reorder the sentence so it sounds differently.

my take: A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno.


The Pegasus flying ships steam engine was at full flow, its only inhabitant began to stir, having fallen asleep some hours earlier.

I don't understand what the red means. Is Pegasus a flying-ship, or is Pegasus Flying Ship the name of the craft? What is engine flow? They stirred?

my take: The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boiler combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait.


His gloved hand swept the sandy colored hair from his eyes, and stood up wondering how long he had slept.

It may be because English isn't my first language, but sometimes it seems that some sentences are too simplistic. The red sounds weird, and the following sounds plain.

my take: Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take it's toll. With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand.


Looking up toward the sky, his steely grey eyes reflected the stars of the night, the shadowy clouds slowly passing by. He turned briskly, his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him, his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

That's the best written part of the whole paragraph. It doesn't really need change, but the starting could use a change to make its style fit in with the rest of the section.

my take: The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.


Hope that helped. Sorry for the "my takes", but I couldn't resist. I love writing too.

A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno. The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boilers' combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait. Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take its toll on the rest of the crew.

With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand. The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

CloudStrider wrote:
I'd hit your writting.

Icealya wrote:

CloudStrider wrote:
I'd hit your writting.

like slap it or like tap it?

CloudStrider wrote:

Icealya wrote:

CloudStrider wrote:
I'd hit your writting.

like slap it or like tap it?

Tap it

Fap it

Make Love to it

Sex it

Shag it

Fark it


Take your pick.

dom wrote:The deep orange glow of a roaring fire^lit up the deck.
The ^ I put in makes it read weird. I would reorder the sentence so it sounds differently.

my take: A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno.


The Pegasus flying ships steam engine was at full flow, its only inhabitant began to stir, having fallen asleep some hours earlier.

I don't understand what the red means. Is Pegasus a flying-ship, or is Pegasus Flying Ship the name of the craft? What is engine flow? They stirred?

my take: The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boiler combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait.


His gloved hand swept the sandy colored hair from his eyes, and stood up wondering how long he had slept.

It may be because English isn't my first language, but sometimes it seems that some sentences are too simplistic. The red sounds weird, and the following sounds plain.

my take: Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take it's toll. With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand.


Looking up toward the sky, his steely grey eyes reflected the stars of the night, the shadowy clouds slowly passing by. He turned briskly, his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him, his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

That's the best written part of the whole paragraph. It doesn't really need change, but the starting could use a change to make its style fit in with the rest of the section.

my take: The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.


Hope that helped. Sorry for the "my takes", but I couldn't resist. I love writing too.

A deep and rich orange ambiance was cast aboard the deck; fueled by an ever sweltering inferno. The Pegasus, an old tugboat and veritable relic of the fleet, had her boilers' combustion chambers at full capacity as she traversed the strait. Her captain awoke as the blistering heat began to take its toll on the rest of the crew.

With the reflection of the fire in his eyes, he promptly dismissed the sweat on his forehead with the rear of his hand. The captain lifted his head, gazing at the dim stars of a passed night and the shadowy clouds of the looming morning. Slowly, he made his way to the ship's bridge, with his long black travelers cloak billowing behind him and his boar skin boots clunking loudly.

Priam wrote:Dom, you showoff

Carbucle reminds me of 'Karbonkel', and that's a major source of nightmares for young futch children.

I hate him!

Priam wrote:Dom, you showoff

Carbucle reminds me of 'Karbonkel', and that's a major source of nightmares for young futch children.

I hate him!

whiteraven wrote:

Priam wrote:Dom, you showoff

Carbucle reminds me of 'Karbonkel', and that's a major source of nightmares for young futch children.

I hate him!

damn still scared for karbonkel :o
karbonkel is horror for <10

Icealya wrote:

whiteraven wrote:

Priam wrote:Dom, you showoff

Carbucle reminds me of 'Karbonkel', and that's a major source of nightmares for young futch children.

I hate him!

damn still scared for karbonkel :o
karbonkel is horror for <10

That scary character from Het Land Van Ooit?

or from that telly show?

Priam wrote:But..... But...

whiteraven wrote:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-JuZmJoKIw

damn he is scary for small children :O

CloudStrider wrote:

whiteraven wrote:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-JuZmJoKIw

damn he is scary for small children :O

That is one ugly farker.