Humor of the Story
Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 9:58 am
There's a lot of truth behind the humor...
Lesson 1:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologised “Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
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Lesson 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull,
“they’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
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Lesson 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
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Lesson 4:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Puff! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Puff! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say
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Lesson 5:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?” The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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Lesson 6:
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, “No.”
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. “Yes”, he replied.
The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. “Is this your wife?” the Lord asked. “Yes,” cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, “Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don’t want her to share me with anyone, so THAT’S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.”
Moral of the story:
Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife or girlfriend!
---
Lesson 7:
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into he jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the car. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
Moral of the Story: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER!
---
Lesson 8:
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you."
She answers "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and a I’m a Baptist."
The nun says, "That’s OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
Moral of the story: REMEMBER...things aren't always as they appear
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Lesson 9:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
---
Lesson 10:
A woman is driving on the road and a man is driving in the opposite direction,
on that same road and when they pass each other,
the woman rolls down her window and shouts "HORSE"
Immediately the man shouts back "BITCH !"
The man laughs because he is happy to have reacted so quickly to the shouting
woman, and takes the turn in the road with high speed.
The man is killed by a horse smashing into his front window.
Moral of the story: Men never understand what women say.
---
Lesson 11:
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also makeyour
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis(Wikipedia) whom women will
flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in
theworld.And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.
Male readers : Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!
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Lesson 12:
Last week, when Pedro went to Manila with a couple of friends heading toward Punta Fuego, in Batangas, they decided to stop at a comfort station in a relatively new Gas station in Tagaytay.
Being a new gas station, this place would have a clean banyo(comfort station) and clean facility to take a good crap. The first stall was occupied, so Pedro went into the second one.
Just when Pedro was seated and poised to emit a very “silent” fart, he heard a voice from the next toilet:
“Hi, how are you doing?”
Putek!!! Pedro thought in his mind. “I am certainly not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort rooms or any comfort room for that matter.”
Normally, he would keep as dead silent as possible in a situation like this so no one would think he was there. What was he’s going to do? run? keep quiet? so many questions in his mind.
Pedro really don’t know quite what possessed him, but anyway, he answered, a little embarrassed:
“OK LANG, pare!” (Translation: "I'm fine, dude!")
And the stranger said: “Whats up with you?”
Talk about this unnervingly dumb questions! WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?
Pedro was really beginning to think this was just TOO WEIRD! So he said:
“WELL, JUST LIKE YOU I’M MAKING TAE(crap)”
Then, he heard the person, all upset, say, “Look, I’ll call you back, there’s some idiot in the next toilet answering all the questions I am asking you.”
Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very much within us...
Do not waste time in protracted wondering.
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Lesson: 13
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!” The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat.
The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady, “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”
She answered, “The teeth.”
Moral of the story:
The dangers of making assumptions, understand before you intervene
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Lesson 14:
There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day when she chanced upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate and ate and then finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly.
So, she, painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.
Moral of the Story: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap.
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Lesson 16:
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed,
"YES! YES!
I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers starred at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral of The Story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
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Lesson 17:
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for the man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
Moral of the story: if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
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Lesson 18:
There was a construction worker on the 3rd floor of an unfinished building. He needed a hand saw,
but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground
to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy
on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then he pointed
at his knees (meaning "need), and finally he moved his hand back and forth describing the movement
of a hand saw. After that, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped
his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and
started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
Moral of the story: Learn to read the signs.
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Lesson: 19
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!” The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat.
The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady, “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”
She answered, “The teeth.”
Moral of the story:
The dangers of making assumptions, understand before you intervene.
---
Lesson 20:
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SH*T!!!!!!!..."
Moral of the story: Mind your language, you never know what it will land you in.
Lesson 1:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologised “Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
---
Lesson 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull,
“they’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
---
Lesson 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
---
Lesson 4:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Puff! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Puff! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say
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Lesson 5:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?” The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
--
Lesson 6:
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, “No.”
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. “Yes”, he replied.
The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. “Is this your wife?” the Lord asked. “Yes,” cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, “Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don’t want her to share me with anyone, so THAT’S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.”
Moral of the story:
Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife or girlfriend!
---
Lesson 7:
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into he jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the car. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
Moral of the Story: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER!
---
Lesson 8:
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you."
She answers "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and a I’m a Baptist."
The nun says, "That’s OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
Moral of the story: REMEMBER...things aren't always as they appear
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Lesson 9:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
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Lesson 10:
A woman is driving on the road and a man is driving in the opposite direction,
on that same road and when they pass each other,
the woman rolls down her window and shouts "HORSE"
Immediately the man shouts back "BITCH !"
The man laughs because he is happy to have reacted so quickly to the shouting
woman, and takes the turn in the road with high speed.
The man is killed by a horse smashing into his front window.
Moral of the story: Men never understand what women say.
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Lesson 11:
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also makeyour
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis(Wikipedia) whom women will
flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in
theworld.And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.
Male readers : Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!
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Lesson 12:
Last week, when Pedro went to Manila with a couple of friends heading toward Punta Fuego, in Batangas, they decided to stop at a comfort station in a relatively new Gas station in Tagaytay.
Being a new gas station, this place would have a clean banyo(comfort station) and clean facility to take a good crap. The first stall was occupied, so Pedro went into the second one.
Just when Pedro was seated and poised to emit a very “silent” fart, he heard a voice from the next toilet:
“Hi, how are you doing?”
Putek!!! Pedro thought in his mind. “I am certainly not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort rooms or any comfort room for that matter.”
Normally, he would keep as dead silent as possible in a situation like this so no one would think he was there. What was he’s going to do? run? keep quiet? so many questions in his mind.
Pedro really don’t know quite what possessed him, but anyway, he answered, a little embarrassed:
“OK LANG, pare!” (Translation: "I'm fine, dude!")
And the stranger said: “Whats up with you?”
Talk about this unnervingly dumb questions! WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?
Pedro was really beginning to think this was just TOO WEIRD! So he said:
“WELL, JUST LIKE YOU I’M MAKING TAE(crap)”
Then, he heard the person, all upset, say, “Look, I’ll call you back, there’s some idiot in the next toilet answering all the questions I am asking you.”
Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very much within us...
Do not waste time in protracted wondering.
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Lesson: 13
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!” The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat.
The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady, “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”
She answered, “The teeth.”
Moral of the story:
The dangers of making assumptions, understand before you intervene
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Lesson 14:
There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day when she chanced upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate and ate and then finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly.
So, she, painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.
Moral of the Story: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap.
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Lesson 16:
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed,
"YES! YES!
I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers starred at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral of The Story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
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Lesson 17:
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for the man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
Moral of the story: if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
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Lesson 18:
There was a construction worker on the 3rd floor of an unfinished building. He needed a hand saw,
but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground
to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy
on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then he pointed
at his knees (meaning "need), and finally he moved his hand back and forth describing the movement
of a hand saw. After that, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped
his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and
started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
Moral of the story: Learn to read the signs.
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Lesson: 19
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!” The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat.
The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady, “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”
She answered, “The teeth.”
Moral of the story:
The dangers of making assumptions, understand before you intervene.
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Lesson 20:
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SH*T!!!!!!!..."
Moral of the story: Mind your language, you never know what it will land you in.
