I just thought i would share with everyone the story of my good friend Ryan Kriken.
Ryan Kriken and the Impact he had on Me
I have encountered many good friends through the course of my life, but none have even compared to the friendship that I have with Ryan Kriken. For those of you who don't know Ryan, he lives in Alder and loves his dog Scott. Ryan has told me numerous stories of the adventures he has had with that lovely dog. Hey Scott Cmere Scott. You silly dog you. Ryan always knew what to do when Scott was around,.
One day Ryan and Scott went to a liquor store, and wouldn't you know it, it was getting robbed. "Scott use your bark attack". Scott instantly started barking at the robber and got shot instantly. NOOOOOOO!!!!!! Ryan screamed as Scott wimpered in pain and slowly died. Ryan then used his chain Viking ultimate thrower super killer attack. "AHHHHHHH" Ryan shrieked as the transformation completed. Ryan kind of ended up looking like a power ranger but with a Viking helmet on his head. Instantly the robber started shooting but it was to no avail. Ryan then put his hands together and screamed "SUPER DOOPER CHAIN FIRE WATER AIR WILD DALLION UNICORN SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER ATTACK!!!!!!!!" instantly a rubber ball flew out of ryans hands and the gun flung out of the robbers grasp. Ryan then grabbed the robber and said "U killed my dog" Ryan then grabbed the dead corpse of his beloved Scott and shoved it so far up the robbers ass that the robber instantly died. That is that super story about Ryan and his dog.
Anyway enough about that I should talk about why Ryan compares to no other friend that I have ever had. I was strolling in the park one day and out of nowhere a UFO came and aliens decended. They spoke in a unique language and ultimately I guess that they wanted to prob me. Ryan ran out of a bush at that very moment and started screaming at the aliens. "FLUTTER FLUTTER PAN PAN SPAGETTIOS RATION ULTIMATE FINGER STUPER WOOPER TRANSFORM" Instantly Ryan transformed into a bird, a dove at that, and flew into the aliens eye. The alien shrieked in pain and then Ryan transformed into a bomb and exploded. The alien instantly shriked in pain and then died. "thanks ryan" I said. Ryan jus looked at me in his normal human form, shook his head, lit up a cigarette, and simply said, "Kramer FOOKA FOOKA NUNCA NUNCA DOOPA." Then ran away into the woods completely naked. I will never forget that day it hugely impacted my life.
Now let me tell you about Ryan's girlfriend. First off he doesn't have one, not because anything you may be thinking but simply because he doesn't need one. Whenever Ryan feels alone he just transforms his chair into a huge robot and plays with that. I heard him once and it is a sound that I will probably never forget for the rest of my utter and miserable life. It sounded like a cross between a baby dinosaur being born and two blue whales mating. If you can not picture this sound then you are a lucky individual and you should never find out. That is all that I have to say about that.
This one time I went to the theatres with some close friends of mine, we ended up seeing the movie, "Finger puppets on Mars." And during the film one of my friends threw some popcorn at the screen. Before we knew it we were sucked into the screen and on Mars with all of the finger puppets. It was fun at first but then I found out that the puppets were trying to seduce us and touch us in very naughty places. "What should we do?????" shouted Gabe who is a short little midget friend of mine. "Call Ryan" I said. We both started chanting the Ryan chant which goes something like this,
"WOOKA WOOKA SAVE US NOW POOKA POOKA I NEED YOU NOW FINGER IN THE BUTT AND PISS IN MOUTH RYAN WILL COME AND TAKE YOU OUT." "LAAA LAAA" we heard and of course it was Ryan with his new trusty animal friend Pooker. Pooker was a flying insect that looked a lot like a unicorn. "GO POOKER GO." Ryan screamed. The flying insect unicorn flew up to the puppets and started to attack with his wings of justice. The puppets screamed but it was to no avail, the grabbed Gabe in certain places that I don't even want to think about and before Ryan and I knew it, Gabe turned into the puppets new sex slave. Ryan had to do something quick so he combined with Pooker to create Pookan. Pookan was basically ryan's body with a unicorn's head. He then used his unicorn flutter and danced around the puppets so gaily that they all died instantly. I was releved but it was too late for Gabe. He told us to kill him so Ryan did so by ripping Gabe's heart out and then made Gabe eat it. I would say that Gabe had a happy death and I am glad that Ryan was there to save me.
You all might be wondering why Ryan has such special powers, this is because Ryan was not born from regular humans but instead from a mystical fairy and a hot dog. Yes apparently a fairy was lonely so she mated with a hot dog from your typical 7/11 and Ryan was the result. This should explain a lot to you readers out there.
This is the story of my good friend Ryan and how he saved my life twice. I hope that all of you will have a friend as good as this in the future and I have high hopes for all of you. I bid you adu.
The legend of Ryan Kriken
The legend of Ryan Kriken
"Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
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