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''Got a call over the radio to come to the dance floor immediately. The bouncer had a strange combination of pure unflitered fear and childlike amazement in his voice. I waded through the crowd and found the bouncer. His face looked like the people from "The Ring" after the little girl climbed out of the tv and ate their souls... or whatever she did. I ask him what the problem is and he couldn't even speak, he just pointed. I turned my head and it took me a couple moments for my brain to process what was happening. There was a young man and a young women dacning, just having a nice time out, away from their respective parents I guess. Nothing too out of the ordinary... upon further inspection... the guy was about an inch away from being elbow deep in her @ss. It looked she was trying to devour him through her @ss. Honest to God, the hand and up to the middle of his forearm were doing who knows what inside her large intestine. Being that the bouncer was now catatonic, I had to go break this scat party up. I walked up and stood about a foot from them but they were in a world of pure @ss induced ecstacy because they didn't even seem to notice me. Very loudly, I announced, "What in the f*ck makes you two think that this is ok?" It scared the hell out of them and the guy removed his hand so fast I almost threw up. They both started crying when I took them outside. The guy ran off but the girl just sat on the curb crying her eyes out. I thought it was very strange that she decided to hang out after being busted for something like this. Well... here comes the best part of this story.

She was waiting for her boyfriend... who was not the guy she was allowing the backdoor access too. Her bf came storming out (aparently she texted him that she got kicked out) yelling at me why his "girl got thrown out." I looked at her, saw how hard she was crying, and laughed as hard as I ever have at anything. Her bf said something to the extent of "you meat head, you're on a power trip, you're an @sshole." I said, "speaking of @ssholes, your girlfriend was getting bloomin' onioned (insert crude hand gesture) in the middle of the dance floor by some random dude."

They walked away screaming at eachother. I contemplated suicide for the remainder of my shift. ''

There were cages set up all over the dance floor for dumb@sses to dance in. One night, there were 3 smokin hot (all 18+, I checked) that took over on of the cages. While they were basically putting on a strip show for free, 3 morbidly obese girls dressed in what looked like thier baby clothes slithered into the cage, immediately making it over crowded. The hot girls looked pissed but didn't do anything at first. After being repeadedly bumped into by the obese girls and no doubt getting slathered in the buckets full of mayonaise they were sweating out, one of the hot girls turned around and said something. The obese girls started yelling and shoving. I didn't move in yet because I was hoping to see someone get punched in the face... oh boy, did I get my wish. Out of NOWHERE, one of the hot girls Mortal Kombat style uppercutted the leader of the fatty's and she went flying out of the cage. It is like a 3 foot drop out of the thing. When she hit the ground, the 3 hot girls beat the piss out of the 3 obese girls. I got yelled at by the owener later because my reason for not moving in sooner was because I was laughing too hard to do anything.

I found teeth on the floor when I was cleaning up later that night.

The night I had a gun pulled on me:

I wasn't even bouncing, I was helping the owner with some other stuff. The place was completely packed... so much so that the fire marshall should up 4 times to count people. We were over our capacity by about 1,000. Anyway, I finished up my work so I offered to stay and help with security... which was a horrible mistake. A small tussle broke out in the middle of the dance floor. It go pretty serious, I ended up having to spear a kid to the floor and drag him out. I escorted the kid outside and gently smashed him into the ground as hard as I could because he wouldn't calm down and kept saying he would "kill me if he got the chance." He eventually shut up, calmed down, and left. I convinced a cop outside to not arrest him, he was just mad some guy was dancing with his girlfriend or something stupid like that.... then all hell broke loose.

Apparently, while I was outside dealing with that, the entire place was going bat $hit crazy inside. That small fight that I broke up turned into a scene out of Braveheart. I heard people yelling over the radio but couldn't make anything out. All of a sudden a mass exit of humanity came pouring out of the doors and all of the couple thousand people inside, were now outside and everyone was beating the $hit out of eachother in the street. This all seriosuly happened in less than 2 minutes. I turned and looked at the cop and he was smiling while he snapped out his billy club and just started knocing kids out left and right. It looked so fluid and natural I thought he had practiced this exact scenario at some point. A little side note, I tried to not take a swing at anyone,ever. I already outweighed all these kids by 100lbs and I didn't need an ego boost of beating up a 98lb 15 year old. With that being said, some kid took a swing at me for no reason and I punched him in the face. I don't know if it was adrenaline or what but I swear to God the kid disintegrated right before my eyes.

The melee started shifting out of the street and away from the building. I did not follow. While I was hanging back near the club, I realized I was the only employee/person still there. Everyone else followed the fight. Then some guy, like a 40 year old man, came walking up the street toward the debacle of a fight going on. I stopped him and said, "I wouldn't head that way man, it's getting pretty crazy." He pulled up hit orlando magic Jersey and pulled a handgun out of his pants. Not to threaten me with it but, just to show me. He said "Ha. Dont worry, man, I'm good." He tucked his gun back in and continued walking. I stood there for a minute thinking about every horrible descision I had made in my life to end up right where I was just then.

I decided I had enough fun for one night and walked to a grown up bar around the corner. I read later somthing like 100 arrests, 10 stabbings, about a million people went to the emergency room. All in all, it was pretty stupid.

I watched a drunk kid throw up down the pants of a girl he was dancing with. I only saw it because someone over the radio said they were going to go break them up for "dancing like two epileptics trying to dry hump and it was pissing him off." While he was walking over there, the girl pulled the waistband of her pants away from her, I guess so the guy could shove his sweaty boozed up hands down there but, as soon as she opened up, he f*cking lost about a gallon of bile into the dark abyss of her undercarriage. He tried to play it off. She... not so much. She turned to run away, ran straight into the bouncer with enough force to splash some residual panty puke on his shirt. I don't know what happened after that, I laughed myself into a coma.

One night, 3 mentally handicapped gentlemen came to the door trying to gain entry into the club. Which would be totally fine as there was no policy that said people in there situation can't come inside and spend $5 on 1oz shots of redbull. The problem was, these 3 guys were well into their 40's. I tried as best as I could to explain to them that they were not allowed inside because the age cut-off was 20 years old. They totally pulled the "I don't understand" card and I got really pissed off, really fast. About 5mins into out discussion, that just turned into me telling them to get the f*ck off of the property, their sponsor or handler or whatever came sprinting out of the darkness and closed in about an inch from my face. I am 6'2'' and was 275lbs at the time. This lady was 4 feet taller than me and had traps like a f*cking cobra's neck. After screaming at me for discriminating against the mentally handicapped and telling me what a bad person I was and spitting in my face for what seemed like all of time, I called the owner and told him to get an ambulance and a good lawyer because I was about to kill three retarded guys and their "missing link" baby sitter. He stormed outside, called me a f*cking @sshole, took their money, and LET THEM INSIDE.

When they passed through the door, he told me to follow and keep an eye on them but, if I "pulled any $hit" like that again, I'd be fired. I said something to the extent of "why did you make rules for this place if the people you hire don't have to enforce them?" Again, I was called an @sshole and headed inside to keep an eye on the 3 40 year old men that were allowed into the under 21 night club...

Immediately upon entering, I saw one of them dancing with a girl that couldn't have been older than 15, and the other 2 were just standing there watching. I f*cking lost it, I threw all three of them out without incident. When I went and told the owner that I already kicked those three grown men out, his response was, "What the f*ck do I care, they paid."