Depressed, dead, anxious, and miserable.
Posted: Thu May 06, 2010 2:28 am
During the last months I lost practically all motivation to do anything. Motivation to enjoy the joy of the most important things about life (friends, love, health), and the ones that just let me vent-off when I just need time alone (all my hobbies:TV, WoW, Internet, Guitar, Movies, Reading). I don't know how and I don't know why, but as those things were leaving, my sorrow became anger, and anger finally apathy. Maybe I should thank "Life" because now I'm not scared of anything, but I can hope for nothing too.
Yesterday and Tomorrow are indiscernible, Today can't be felt anymore. The days follow one after the other without me realizing anything. Every single day feels like it doesn't have an ending, my days are incomplete and I can tell you that it's not only torture but at the same time life deteriorating. My body seems to grow weak with every day that passes by and my mind decays. All I have is pain and suffering.
I don't know if God exists (and actually I don't give a damn), I just know that if He does, He had rather defeat apathy before evil....and I wish He had done it... People tell me that oh, it was all bound to happen because it's how it was meant to be, and God will only open more doors for me. Actually I feel like all my doors have been closed and I'm trapped in a dark room with no exit, wasting my time trying to find one all alone. Groping in the darkness, abandoned, no one to help me, and those who try only fail. I have failed to escape this madness myself, what is there to do now?
Somebody told me "don't you think there are many people all around the world who suffer decidedly more than you?". All I can say is that he's right, but I don't get how can I be better just knowing somebody is suffering, knowing their plights even worse than mine. Besides no one's suffering should be compared to others' or mine, that is no way a justification or a method of soothing such pains, it's rather an insult and exposure of what you really think of my misery. So I've concluded that suffering is part of life and we all have to have it, and I'm forced to ask why? Why God? Everything I did and lived for and this is what I get? Why can't life be fair, I try to make it fair individually, but again I find myself failing at it.
Now Faith is useless to me, Reason is useless to me, Heart is useless to me, Hope is useless to me, People are useless to me. I just want to sleep.
When I sleep, if able to, I wake up exhausted and only long for more sleep. I have developed a fear for sleep, as when I sleep I dream of the good life that I don't have, it's unavoidable, to only wake up again and feel miserable for what the reality that my life actually is.
I want to be happy, but I can't. There is only one thing in life that will make me smile genuinely and able me to be happy again. That one thing is the very source of my misery, overturning it and making it what it was, why can't that be the reality that my life was? I have attempted countless times to fix it, alone, the only warrior devoted to fight this struggle, everyday I fall to the ground in the battlefield, defeated. It only makes me feel useless, and unable to do anything else. Even more, it's not the only battle I have to fight, and sometimes I think to myself that maybe, maybe I'm fighting the wrong battle, one that I will never win. I ponder giving up, but that will mean giving up on life, one thing that I'm not willing to do. Not on the life that desire to recuperate, the life that made me happy.
I have struggled all this time, preserving every bit of strength I have left to fight off this pain. Of course I will eventually run out of my resource and what will I do next? I sense that the time is coming, I'm weaker than before both physically and mentally. I'm depleted. It all sucks, it sucks very much... Since the very beginning of all this misery I only hoped that it will only get better as time progressed, but I was wrong, yet I continue to hope that someday it will happen. I guess somehow hope has managed to tap some strength into me, but at the same time hope is weak and it only makes me weaker. The more hopeful I get, it only backlashes back and throws me down even further. Another thing I can't help but to continue doing. I don't feel guilty about it, I don't feel that is my mistake, I don't feel that I should perhaps stop hoping for my life to get better, no, because as the human that I am it's only natural for me to hope for what I want to become what I can have. I'm not going to stop doing it.
I had good hopes for a great year, after such a great summer, the best summer of my life, and ahead I only foresaw and awesome school year, but it all went downhill. Life gave up on me and I gave up on life, a mistake that I regret, can I go back and climb my obstacles and get my life back together?, possibly, but I lack the strength to do so.
A couple of people have criticized my approach to all this, but to you I tell you the typical saying, maybe if you lived my life and felt what I feel then you will understand why your advice is useless to me. Walk a mile in my shoes and then come back and see if you have the same advice. But ultimately it's up to me to figure out what will work and what won't, I have done that and I have concluded to something that I want, of course. Yet nothing will change that, even as I have said I'm the only warrior wiling to fight for that, even if fail continuously, because it's what I want, nothing will change that, and I will only continue to seek that as the proper solution. Despite all that, it is the proper solution.
I wish someone would understand that that's what it is. Not just anyone, but someone.
Yesterday and Tomorrow are indiscernible, Today can't be felt anymore. The days follow one after the other without me realizing anything. Every single day feels like it doesn't have an ending, my days are incomplete and I can tell you that it's not only torture but at the same time life deteriorating. My body seems to grow weak with every day that passes by and my mind decays. All I have is pain and suffering.
I don't know if God exists (and actually I don't give a damn), I just know that if He does, He had rather defeat apathy before evil....and I wish He had done it... People tell me that oh, it was all bound to happen because it's how it was meant to be, and God will only open more doors for me. Actually I feel like all my doors have been closed and I'm trapped in a dark room with no exit, wasting my time trying to find one all alone. Groping in the darkness, abandoned, no one to help me, and those who try only fail. I have failed to escape this madness myself, what is there to do now?
Somebody told me "don't you think there are many people all around the world who suffer decidedly more than you?". All I can say is that he's right, but I don't get how can I be better just knowing somebody is suffering, knowing their plights even worse than mine. Besides no one's suffering should be compared to others' or mine, that is no way a justification or a method of soothing such pains, it's rather an insult and exposure of what you really think of my misery. So I've concluded that suffering is part of life and we all have to have it, and I'm forced to ask why? Why God? Everything I did and lived for and this is what I get? Why can't life be fair, I try to make it fair individually, but again I find myself failing at it.
Now Faith is useless to me, Reason is useless to me, Heart is useless to me, Hope is useless to me, People are useless to me. I just want to sleep.
When I sleep, if able to, I wake up exhausted and only long for more sleep. I have developed a fear for sleep, as when I sleep I dream of the good life that I don't have, it's unavoidable, to only wake up again and feel miserable for what the reality that my life actually is.
I want to be happy, but I can't. There is only one thing in life that will make me smile genuinely and able me to be happy again. That one thing is the very source of my misery, overturning it and making it what it was, why can't that be the reality that my life was? I have attempted countless times to fix it, alone, the only warrior devoted to fight this struggle, everyday I fall to the ground in the battlefield, defeated. It only makes me feel useless, and unable to do anything else. Even more, it's not the only battle I have to fight, and sometimes I think to myself that maybe, maybe I'm fighting the wrong battle, one that I will never win. I ponder giving up, but that will mean giving up on life, one thing that I'm not willing to do. Not on the life that desire to recuperate, the life that made me happy.
I have struggled all this time, preserving every bit of strength I have left to fight off this pain. Of course I will eventually run out of my resource and what will I do next? I sense that the time is coming, I'm weaker than before both physically and mentally. I'm depleted. It all sucks, it sucks very much... Since the very beginning of all this misery I only hoped that it will only get better as time progressed, but I was wrong, yet I continue to hope that someday it will happen. I guess somehow hope has managed to tap some strength into me, but at the same time hope is weak and it only makes me weaker. The more hopeful I get, it only backlashes back and throws me down even further. Another thing I can't help but to continue doing. I don't feel guilty about it, I don't feel that is my mistake, I don't feel that I should perhaps stop hoping for my life to get better, no, because as the human that I am it's only natural for me to hope for what I want to become what I can have. I'm not going to stop doing it.
I had good hopes for a great year, after such a great summer, the best summer of my life, and ahead I only foresaw and awesome school year, but it all went downhill. Life gave up on me and I gave up on life, a mistake that I regret, can I go back and climb my obstacles and get my life back together?, possibly, but I lack the strength to do so.
A couple of people have criticized my approach to all this, but to you I tell you the typical saying, maybe if you lived my life and felt what I feel then you will understand why your advice is useless to me. Walk a mile in my shoes and then come back and see if you have the same advice. But ultimately it's up to me to figure out what will work and what won't, I have done that and I have concluded to something that I want, of course. Yet nothing will change that, even as I have said I'm the only warrior wiling to fight for that, even if fail continuously, because it's what I want, nothing will change that, and I will only continue to seek that as the proper solution. Despite all that, it is the proper solution.
I wish someone would understand that that's what it is. Not just anyone, but someone.
